 |
| Bleeding Hearts and Pine Catherine Al-Meen Meyers |
What does it take? Well, I'm not here to answer that question, only to say it is something many have asked. My questions were a bit different. When I was younger and heavily committed to a career, raising my child, and trying to make a home and life for myself (sometimes alone and sometimes with a partner), I wondered where and when I'd find time to write. Holidays became times when I'd sneak off and write, or I'd set up a short vacation to retreat to the coast of Oregon to spend time with my Dad in the early part of the day, and spend time with myself, writing at my desk or table overlooking the ocean later. At various crossroads, I chose to let writing be a sidecar to my life until I finished a graduate degree, and realized I had to spend more time writing than doing most everything else. Still in love with the work I did in international education and religious studies, I decided to split my time. Once I knew I wanted to do this, the way appeared to allow it to happen.
And that's the crucial piece in the puzzle of life, I believe; deciding what we really want. Once we make a decision or identify what it is we really want, then we can begin to articulate or name it. We can see more clearly what we want. We can begin to envision doing or being it and we can begin to take steps in the direction of that aim. That, I believe, is the magic ingredient in what makes life work at times, and what seems to block our path at other times. Why is does this at times seem difficult if not impossible to do?
A lot of it has to do with our expectations--those we have for ourselves, those others have for us, and those that 'society' seems to sell as the way to succeed. For artists and writers, that way has always been uncertain and fraught with mysterious obstacles and surprises. The idea to define myself as a writer has been with me since I was young. And I did a lot of writing. Only I didn't count it as writing because it was what I wrote in between the big projects, assignments, or research papers that I was really doing. The poetry written on the backs of napkins or in the blank pages of books an diaries simply did not fit into my idea of what a writer should do or be. Until fairly recently, writing was reserved for those who work hard enough and get their ideas accepted by the publishing houses, magazines, journals, and news organizations.
When I first moved home to Oregon in the early 1990s, my daughter took me to the Willamette Writer' Conference, held at Portland State University. We wandered around looking at books and chatting with authors, and we went up to a book where a woman had her books stacked on the table. She and her books, I recall, were all colorful. The three of us struck up a conversation, and she asked me, "So do you write?" My reply was, "Oh, I write some poetry." And then she said, "Oh, so you are a poet?" I was shocked, because no one had ever called me a poet, and I realized at that moment that if I denied that, then perhaps I really wasn't a writer. So I said, "Yes, I guess I am." A real awakening for me. And part of our journey as writers is to begin to identify ourselves with what we really are.
Of course, I identified more with other roles, but this little kernel of truth became part of me.
Later after completing a great deal of graduate work, I had a dream about repotting a plant. The plant had become dried out and root bound, and in the dream as I pulled the plant root out of a pot, I heard myself saying, I don't like this kind of writing. It has no life. And then, from that wonderful deep unconscious well within, the truth rose up and made itself clear. Up until this point, I had been doing what it took to make my way into the positions I was in in education and educational leadership. To consider living life differently, especially in light of all the education I had and years of training and experience, seemed almost to much to envision. But that was not the end.
In a few phone conversations with an old friend from childhood, Shirley, I found myself in possession of some new, life changing information. First, she sent me a copy of Anne Lamotet's book, Bird By Bird. Second my friend Shirley planted a seed in my mind--a seed that was rooted in the idea I could and should make whatever changes necessary to make the sea change to follow my path as a writer. By this time I had begun a mystery novel, which was in danger of being shelved in lieu of enough devotion for more 'important, security-related matters'. With the input and example of Shirley, another turn led me into a new way of knowing myself. Where time was lacking, I found ways to make time to devote to writing daily.
First I began journaling--a daily writing practice. Thanks in part to The Artist's Way morning pages, I kept and maintained a daily journal practice. Next once I knew I had to write more and take it more seriously, a way opened up for me to do that. A co-worker and friend, Kerry, adopted a child and wanted to spend more time with her child. Before it was a regular practice, Kerry and I convinced our boss to let us share our job. I had several mornings a week off and a couple of afternoons a week off, and Kerry had the others. Without too much effort, my daily writing practice and my career as a writer began in earnest.
Nt only do writers and artists have to battle with the competeing voices in their own heads (you know the ones, the critique, the wet blanket, nervous nelly, and the worrier to name a few), we also have to deal with the helpful and not so helpful advice and observations of our friends and family and colleagues. Part of my nature is to keep some things to myself, and I've also learned to be discerning about who my friends are. Despite that, the comments, questions, and criticism come anyway. My Mother used to call it 'getting a thick skin'. And that's what I've had to learn to do. Get a thick skin so that I can keep myself from falling into a puddle of tears or give up all my dreams because someone else doesn't undersand what I'm doing and why. I had learned this in other areas of my life, and so it came in handy.
We do have a lot of transferable skills and experience that we can bring into our lives as writers. It wasn't the first time someone had scratched their head as I announced my plans. My Mother told me right before she died when I was just 40, "I used to worry so much about what you were doing and if you were going to be okay. Now I see that you have done such a good job and I don't need to worry about you. You know what you're doing." Well, I don't always know what I'm doing, but I'm willing to try to figure out how to do what seems like a very good idea. I guess I take more chances, and not that it's a good or bad thing, but my idea of what security is may differ from many. Staying in a job or relationship or situation I hate or that is unhealthy is not something you'll find me doing very often. Once I understand the cost of so-called security or comfort, I am willing to make changes to improve my life. Sometimes I hesitate, and I can be sure if I put off something that my intuition or the signs of the times tell me is inevitable, I get what one friend calls the Divine 2" x 4" that pushes me over the edge of my fears to make necessary changes.
Writing is full of different ways to do it. Some of us maintain our connection to and success in the more traditional forms of publishing. And that is great. For me however, I've become a kind of accidental writer. Writing work comes up in unconventional ways, and I often initiate writing projects just so I can do the work. When I broke my ankle and had to stay in bed for 7 weeks at my Daughter's home in San Francisco, I had to find ways to connect. Farmville and online crosswords were not a substitute for creativity. Instead I set up a blog, and invited women friend and colleagues to contribute to a monthly journal on exploring womens' spirituality. We produced a beautiful monthly then quarterly journal that lasted 3 years and may some day find its' way into an anthology. It also helped me launch my career as a small press publisher. And I began writing for an online newspaper. At the height of that experience, I was writing 5 columns in three cities, and was drawing a huge audience. Both experiences netted me very little money, but they all served to get me writing. And I wrote a lot. The more we write, the better we get.
In 2006 I returned from the East Coast to the Bay Area and Monterey. I began my own writing business (including publishing, editing, and journal and magazine writing). I took a course that the Small Business Administration offered, a mentorship program to learn about the business side of writing and publishing. Of course I read a lot. My Daughter loaded me up with Writer's Digest, how to books and books on police procedurals, and always fed my fantasies of becoming an eccentric writer living on the coast of Oregon (her fantasy, not mine). I don't consider myself eccentric. I consider myself a pragmatic and realistic creative. I put my time, energy, and resources into creating what feeds my soul and allows me to communicate and express myself. It also allows me to support others in doing the same, and in helping other writers and artists achieve their dreams. And if this all looks haphazard, let me tell you, it is not. I made my money from a variety ways including editing, graduate reading of dissertations, web design, photography, some teaching here and there, and freelance wriitng jobs. Freelancing has grown over time and my publishing business now provides a steady stream of clients.
My writing, like every other aspect of my life, is a faith journey. Jobs I had, things I learned, heartache and loss, success and praise, all have happened to lead me from one step to the next and to help me become who I am. And writer is one of the big parts of my being. For years I used other skills including speaking, organizing, creating programs and curricula, and managing large groups of people and programs. Slowly but surely though, I am letting go of one way of life for another. And I see again and again something I failed to grasp or make sense of earlier in my life, is making sense and kind of fitting pieces of my life puzzle together so more and more meaning and purpose become clear. And for those who plan down to the last detail, and find that life falls into place perfectly, I say, I am so happy for you. We each have a life path. For those of you who are meeting obstacles or disappointments, and may be wondering if it's worth it or not, I invite you to slow down for a while and let the pieces that aren't working fall away, and let something new arise.
When I stopped worrying about branding, marketing, and having the perfect platform, I started enjoying writing. Coincidentally, opportunities, books sales, and finances improved. Letting go of the idea of the end goal, the marker of success, opened the door for me to experience a new joy with my writing and a much more successful writing career. I let go of the work that didn't reward my skills or pay me a livable wage, and focused on creating a good piece of work. There are many more things to learn and more miles to go as a writer, but the magic of my life has been the experience of allowing my faith to be what grounds me, and the grace and flow that follow fill me and my life with all I want or need. And I'm enjoying each part of my life.
No matter how carefully any of us map our our life, we do not always have smooth sailing. Sometimes we have temporary set backs, other times we have to make major life course alterations. I recall an example from Ann Miller-Tiedemann's book, How to Not Make it and Succeed. I connected with Ann through the life as career movement at the Lifecareer Foundation at USC in Los Angeles, California. My husband was in graduate school and Ann and her husband David were his guides in the field of Adult Education portion of his Ph.D. program. Ann's book had a profound impact on me. She herself is a scientist who lives a very spiritually grounded life. She wrote about how our life plans and goals sometimes seem so clear and we feel we're really on the path and we hold the magic key. It's like putting together a giant jigsaw puzzle. Only we have set the puzzle up on a card table, and suddenly without warning, someone walks by and kicks the leg of the table, and all the puzzle pieces go flying in a thousand directions.
And life and our plans are like that. And so when pieces of our dreams fall apart, what do we do? When something traumatic and shocking disrupts and upsets our life, how do we adapt to the changes? When we run out of steam or resources, what comes next? One of my favorite tools for times like these is to go on a treasure hunt. It's a good time to look back at the other times in life when plans didn't work out, upsets and conflicts happened, or when sudden, shocking events changed the course of life. I use a timeline to lay out 5-6 events, not of my choosing, that changed my life. Then I add 5-6 choices I made that also changed my life. Notice how they lay out patterns and indicate how you've been affected in the past. Next, try to recall what helped you cope with the difficulties, and what the gifts in the garbage were after a particularly difficult time.What were the lessons that happened then that could help you get some clarty now? What didn't work? And then, take a break form trying to fix everything. And if you are a person of faith, try surrendering to the natural flow and graces of life. See what letting go of something is opening up in your life. Even the emotional and psychological experience of letting go releases tension and stress.
Why do I write this today? Well for the same reason many writers write...to give myself some much needed advice at a time when I'm in the process of packing and moving. With less that two weeks until moving begins, I'm feeling a bit stressed. What I see as the holidays begin is that instead of speeding up and increasing the pressure, I'm going to move more slowly and give myself more balance and rest. Instead of panicking, I'm breathing deeper, writing more, and making short list to cut down on the pressure to get 'it' all done today before noon. No one need that kind of stress.
Taking time to determine what it is that you envision yourself doing for your highest and best interest, can only benefit others as well. Whether you find ways to connect and serve others, or you find time to take care of yourself and whatever you may have neglected, be at peace with the gifts of today, and notice the graces that touch our affections and the flow that opens the path before us. You have to be paying attention to notice either the still small voice within or the signs and answers coming your way. Whatever you do, do it in peace, from a place of love and compassion, and figure yourself into the equation. And for heavens sake, just write.
No comments:
Post a Comment