A rainy day and one that hasn't necessarily gone as planned. Like any day ever does, but some days I know I want to get more done than I'm actually capable of doing. Does getting things done actually have anything to do with capabilities? Sometimes it does, other times it's more to do with motivation, desire, direction, or use of time. Occasionally, I use the term loosely, we over do. We have too many irons in the fire (from my blacksmith days in some other life), or we say "yes" when we really wanted to say "no". For whatever reasons, our writing life (or artistic life or whatever kind of life you have going for yourself) seems to take on a life of its own.
Years ago when I was taking a class at Marylhurst University, I was sitting in a classroom in the library listening to a woman, the instructor, describe a transformational experience she had recently had. She was teaching a class on spiritual gifts and the development of intuition. I thought I might learn something about how to use my intuition and imagination better. Always one for self improvement, the two things I have plenty of are imagination and intuition. But never enough is my motto. Or it was. More and more lately, I'm seeing how harmful that can be. It takes us into a lifestyle of never being satisfied with anything. It keeps us either in the past or in the future, and has us racing around trying to get somewhere else....all the time. We're never where we are because that's not enough. We have to get to the next step, the next task, the next day, the next term, the next relationship, the next year....you get the picture.
What stood out most to me when listening to this professor talk about her own experience was how she actually got to be in that room teaching that particular class. She talked about having gone through a very rigorous Ph.D. program, and getting to the point where she had begun her dissertation. She, like many of us when we're nearing a goal, decided she needed to take a break. She was exhausted, and knew she'd never finish if she didn't take a break. So she headed out into the wilderness somewhere, and found herself sitting on a mountain top looking out across the valley below. At least that's what I recall. If I had been her, that's where you'd find me. She was outside and she was looking out and trying to figure out what was next. She said, "It suddenly came to me as clear as a bell. I am done. I am no longer committed to this. I do not need to go any further. I'm no longer even interested in the subject." And that was it, for her. She stopped her program, and never looked back. Instead she decided to follow her passion.
I can understand how a person can get to the point in a program, job, career, or relationship....in any role actually, where you reach the end. Especially if what called you into the role in the first place has been satisfied, or if you only went into the commitment for reasons that had little to do with passion or love or purpose or some kind of drive. For myself, I loved all my graduate work because I waited until I'd found what I really wanted. I had a few starts and stops when I was trying to be practical earlier. But when I found my calling, I was motivated, driven, and happy as a clam to be doing the work. It was a great joy to finish my work, and to see it as the grounding for what I'd spend the rest of my life doing. Or so I thought.
My training and what I've learned and discovered has been fulfilling. All by itself it satisfied a longing within me, and prepared me for being present for others who shared similar narratives and experiences. It was not, the end of the road though. In fact, it was just another beginning. I used my training and knowledge to do what I loved for a very long time, and then I knew I had to use that same training to bring some other part of myself to fruition.
The search for beauty, understanding, and healing through writing and and the arts, has opened a new life to me. There are endless possibilities, and each time I choose a new direction in this, I discover how the past is always present in what I do and who I am. I bring into each new experience all of what I've learned and experienced from the past. Nothing is wasted. Sometimes though, some of what I bring into the present is no longer necessary and in fact impedes my progress and growth and creativity.
Revising a novel is similar to reviewing one's life. Going back over something that happened rather spontaneously, sometimes planned but often haphazardly, we see where we could have done things differently. If we are really troubled by something in the past, say how long we stayed in a bad marriage or job, or how we allowed our family ties to bind us just a little too long, we attempt to fix it all in the present. We stew and moan and groan and feel the pain, all over again. Sometimes we carry the wounds of the past with us throughout our entire lives. We call it memory or experience or wisdom or abuse. Whatever we call it, it is not necessary to tote it around forever.
What does the past have to do with what causes us to get jammed up in the present? What do our attitudes, patterns of thinking and behavior have to do with how we create or learn or make choices now? Well for one major thing, they block up our thinking. We forget that we are no longer bound and tied in the basement of our past. We have options and the freedom to exercise them. We need to remind ourselves, periodically, that we can act on our own behalf. It seems that we can convince ourselves that 'this is how it is', or 'I've always been like this', or 'I'm too_____ to do _____'. No, I say, that does not have to be the end of it. That is fear raising it's ugly head. Making us doubt or feel confused. We may have bought into someone's appraisal of who we are...someone who had no idea who we were, but gave us our marching instructions.
What I find in writing and all the detail work that goes with it, is that at some point I'm going to run into something that will make me feel like I can't get this done. At that point I need to stop and ask myself from where does that belief that I have arise? What makes me think that I cannot do this? You may find answers when you ask the questions, or you may not. Ask anyway, and then keep going. Sometimes our biggest fear is of the unknown. "I may not be able to get through this" or "I have no idea what I'm doing". We hear our old enemies' voices (inner critics and outer abusers) telling us we should find a back up, keep our day job, or wait until later. Others who seem to know more than we do might even be so cruel as to say "Why would you ever want to do that?" or "Why don't you get a real job?". I'm sure if you've ever set out on an adventure, you remember the warnings.
My Mother's favorite was, "What if something happens? What will you do?" I remember the last time she said this to me. I was getting ready to take a road trip alone. this was decades ago, but that particular conversation stands out as if it were a minute ago. I remember looking at her, and saying,
"If something happens, I'll take care of it." I also remember several years later, shortly before she died, she told me, "I used to worry so much for you. I was afraid something would happen and you wouldn't know what to do. But I am so proud of you. You have done such a good job, and have made me proud."
What I would love to say to my Mother now is, thank you. Thank you for being concerned about me. No one else probably ever will care for me in the way my Mother did. But I would also like to say to her, "I'm sure something will happen. Something wonderful may happen. And many wonderful things did. Something not so wonderful many also happen, and I will have the courage, strength, spiritual wisdom, and support I need to cope with whatever that may be. I will be able to stand at your bedside as you lay dying, and be there for you like no one else. I will wipe your brow, sing songs to you, and unite our family in prayer as you pass into your heavenly body. I will have your love and support, and good sense with me all the days of my life. And when I'm feeling like I just don't know whether I can do this next thing, I'll remember you believed in me more than you worried about me. And that gives me something I can pass along to others. It also gives me strength for today, peace for the past, and trust in the future.
Whatever your calling is or whatever gifts and talents you have, allow yourself the freedom to step beyond fear, doubt, confusion, and security needs to pursue what will inevitably give you purpose, meaning, and fulfillment in life. And what you create out of this kind of commitment will touch others in ways you can only imagine. Keep going, in spite of obstacles, challenges, and times when you'd rather watch daytime soaps or binge watch Thrones. Let yourself live your highest good, and when you do, you add to the ongoing Creation. We are the creators, and we can do more than we think we can. We can touch those we never know. And we can leave something of beauty and meaning to help lift and heal others. Let yourself loosen the ties that bind you and hold you back. Give yourself a pep talk, take a shower, and get back to work. You can do it.
