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| Not Today Catherine Al-Meten |
Rain has been pouring down all day. Occasionally it has slowed down, but from what I hear, the hills are sliding down onto the roads and into some of the hillside houses of Astoria. It has been a wet late Autumn, and it appears that the amount of rain that's fallen today could lend some credence to the rumors about the end of the world coming this Friday on the Winter Solstice. While I doubt that to be the case, some things are ending, and I am ever so thankful for that.
Last year around this time, I was wondering how I was ever going to have time, energy, or inspiration to get some of the projects that had been piling up on my desk, in my files, and on my shelves for years now. Usually working on two or three large projects at a time, I'm more apt to finish up smaller more immediate projects---usually at the behest of someone else---rather than get down to business with my own work. If you're anything like me, I tend to do what I perceive will put bread on the table, gas in the car, or a roof over my head. The idea that working for myself would be enough to provide me with a decent living, had really never occured to me until quite recently.
This year, I took a leap of faith, or rather I took a tumble that led me to have to take a metaphoric leap of faith and let go of some of the perceptions I had about how I was living. While walking down a steep hillside in Sausalito last December, I was just mentally congratulating myself for not tripping and falling, when, you guessed it, I tripped and fell. This happened quite early in my trip to the Bay area, and I braved it thinking I'd probably done myself no real damage. After a few weeks when I traveled back to Oregon, my leg was swollen and I was in pain. I was also extremely run down. Not looking forward to having to commute back and forth to Portland to teach one class, I greeted the new year with a short list of wishes (call them resolutions if you want to but we all know they are wishes).
At the top of my list, was to stop working for other people and go back to working from home (writing, photography, counseling). Another wish was to get more rest and take better care of myself. Another was to get some projects finished that had been in various stages of development for a long time. There was something about wanting a vacation and another wish to spend more time with my family. That was it. Not my usual tome of wishes.
At this end of the year, I can see that from now on, I'm keeping my list short. With the exception of the vacation, I've done everything on my list. About three weeks into the Winter term, I was sick and still in pain. I made an appointment to see a doctor, a nurse practitioner. She promptly diagnosed a major problem with my thyroid and adrenal glands, ordered me to stay in bed with my leg elevated for two-three weeks (so the break could heal; yes, the leg was broken), and to completely change my lifestyle if I wanted to get healthy. What I had dismissed as "being tired" was a more serious problem, and I was finally able to have someone tell me what I needed to do to fix the problem. Rest (that was one of the wishes) and change my life and workstyles (another wish). It's always good to have someone order you to treat yourself better.
So I entered 2012 believing I had to suck it up for another 6 months or so, but quickly learned, I no longer had that choice. I didn't know how I was going to make it, but believed both the doctor and a wise social worker who observed my life and told me I would be very unwise not to change immediately. So I did. After going through the excrutiating experience of having to leave a job I had loved for years, feeling bad about letting other people down, I let go, and began to take care of myself. I'm not going to fill you in on the whole year, but suffice it to say, I did as I was told. Despite the fact that I had been eating quite well according to nearly everyone who advises on how to eat right. For me, I had been making my condition worse. I had to eliminate some of the "healthiest" foods from my diet for they contained too much of what I already had too much of. Adjusting one's diet is a lifelong puzzle for most of us. Our bodies require differnt nutrients at different times of our lives. I'm so thankful to my doctor, Stephanie Potts, for her keen observations, her ability to hear what I said and read between the lines, and for her abilities as a diagnostician (almost more important than anything else in a doctor I believe). She headed me on the right path, monitored my progress, and remembered minute details about me and my life so that she could keep track of how I was doing.
For months I got used to being at home and working from home. I learned how to balance my time, energy, and connections with others. Basically a complete introvert, I am way too happy with my own company for my good health or sense. I made myself go to the local coffee shop, walk around town, meeting people, and getting involved more in reporting on the local art and literary scene as my job as a reporter for an online newservice required. Last summer, I was introduced to a couple who had just opened a yoga studio in Astoria. I asked if they had anyone doing meditation, and they said they didn't but would love to find someone. So I offered my services. In exchange for leading a meditation group, I was able to begin doing yoga on a regular basis. I had begun yoga over 40 years ago. I learned it from Richard Hittleman's book and diagrams. I did yoga through my first pregnancy, and had done it off and on for years.
When I moved home to Oregon in the early 90s, I went to yoga weekly, but never had had a regular daily practice until this year. Now here comes the pitch. Yoga has changed my life. I haven't had a regular physical exercise practice since I was in my 30s when my husband and I played tennis, raquet ball, swam, and rode horses. The daily practice of yoga, plus two meditations a week, and a ballet stretch class (that I love) have all combined to help me find a sense of harmony. The people who are part of the yoga studio (the owners, teachers, and students) all combine to make for a nourishing, supportive place to practice. We have formed a number of great friendships, and I am so grateful. I am busier than I have been for many years, but my life is in much more harmony.
My collaborations with other artists and local business people, plus my long-term relationships with people all over the world, have given me the support and connections that have made it possible for me to create...not with a lower case 'c' but CREATE! In the past month I have been able to finish and publish two books. One is a collection of poetry written over the past 30 years. I wrote it, in part, to prepare for a poetry reading in Monterey in November (Monterey Poetry Consortium's November Poetry reading with poet, Robert Nielsen). Shadows: A Collection of Poetry, is a compilation of a number of poems written, for the most part, to deal with sadness, a sense of separation, and loss I felt from being away from the man I love. It was wonderful and painful to finally get the poems together, shared, and published. It helped me heal in a way I hadn't realized I needed to. Incidently, once I finished the book, my long lost love reconnected with me, and we are planning our reunion.
The second book, is a book I was inspired to write when I was still living in Monterey. I had returned from working in Connecticut, and was helping take care of my granddaughter. On weekends, I was busy getting my life as a full-time, freelance writer and photographer started. I was envisioning eventually operating a business to help other writers, artists, and photorgaphers, and at that time I established Whales & Nightengales Press. I created the idea in my mind, gave it a name, and looked forward to the time I could make it come into being. Last month, I published Shadows: A Collection of Poetry through Whales & Nightengales Press. This month, today in fact, I published the second book, Elements of Tarot: A Guide to a Spiritual Journey. As I said, it came to me as an inspiration. I had studied and read Tarot for many years, and wanted to do a reading. I bought a new deck, and read the brochure that came with the Rider Waite deck. It read like a collection fortune cookies, and it irritated me that such a powerful and useful tool was being presented to novices in such a poor manner.
Over the course of a month, I reinterpreted the deck focusing on how it could be used for spiritual and psychological development. I wrote also of the value for novices and professional readers alike to have an ongoing spiritual practice. The book was written, but I set the manuscript aside for a while because I wasn't sure how to incorporate a deck of cards into the book. My friend, Tammy von Payens, a local Northwest artist, offered to try her hand at creating some illustrations for the book. We worked together on the illustrations, as she knew little about the cards to start with. We spent a great deal of time discerning and deciding the best ways to do the artwork. Her quirky and folk-art collage style illustrations, lend a very contemporary flair to an ancient set of metaphysical cards. Last weekend, we designed the cover together, and got so excited about that. Collaborating and supporting other artists and writers is such a nourishing and rewarding experience. We published the new book, Elements of Tarot: A Guide for a Spiritual Journey through Whales & Nightengales Press as well. Tammy created a great logo, and the company that was envisioned four years ago, has become a reality.
Tonight, the rain is still falling. I hear it hitting against the vent of the heater, sending the echo of rain drops down into my living room. Outside the rain is pelting the side of the house, the street, and the wind is whipping and howling. Inside, I am finally beginning to feel tired. I am ready to stop and celebrate. To rest and regenerate. To take some time to appreciate what it takes to discipline yourself to get something you want to create done. I want to appreciate the support I've had from some and the risks I've taken to keep moving toward achieving my dreams regardless of who thought it was a good idea or not. There is more to do. I know for I have helped a number of my friends do their marketing, arrange for getting out to share their work, and to keep on dreaming up new ideas. I wanted to get some things done, so I could have a clearer mind to work on a large project I began when I was working on my doctorate. For now, I'm resting, and hopefully, will have a winter vacation before setting to work on the next big project.
The day-to-day work of writing, doing photography, and counseling will continue, but for a writer who loves to celebrate the finish, I am ready to turn the music up, dance all night, and sing songs of praise for the joy of life and the art of creativity. "Life is like a great big juicy peach," and I believe I am in the middle of enjoying the sweetness of it all.
