Shifting Energy
As I realize today is the 16th of May, I remember too it is the birthday of a dear old friend, Elizabeth Poulsen. I haven't seen her in decades, but we met while both studying Arabic at the Monterey Institute of International Studies (or Foreign Studies as it was called then). My memories of her remind me how some people come into and go out of our lives, and stay just long enough to have a major influence on who we are and what we become. So as I write, I'm wishing Elizabeth, wherever she may be, a wonderful new year.
Life, the way I have lived it, is full of changes, risk taking, and movement. Even when I had no idea that what I wanted to do or discover was risky. Perhaps that's a good thing because when we think about some things too much, we can talk ourselves out of making choices that would have been, if nothing else, a good idea. At best, a whole new world or at least a new perspective. Throughout my experience, when I've felt the urge to make changes, if often begins with my need to move things around in the life I'm living.
Those shifts often come in the form of moving furniture around. If my accommodation was one room, I'd move the furniture, paint the walls, clean things up, and try to make where I was, nicer. This habit began when I was very young. Sharing a room with my sister, a person who is my exact opposite in many ways, was hard for me. I remember one time I was allowed by the powers that be...my Mother...to choose the paint colors for our bedroom I picked pink and gray. I took great joy in cleaning the room, washing down the walls and window sills, and then painting the room pink with gray trim.
At the time, I don't know whether my sister liked it or not. I'll have to ask her. One thing that is true about my relationship with my sister is this. Even though we lived in the same small space for more than 15 years growing up, our recollections of shared experiences are often like we were living on two different planets. Having her for my sister helped me (very late in life) realize how differently people view the same experience. I wish I'd understood this earlier. Think it would have helped me make better choices, but my life has been about 'living and learning' not the other way around.
Always thought how wonderful it would be to be one of those people who always knew, from the get go, how to avoid trouble, learn by observing others making mistakes, but I was the one that thought I wanted to learn by making my own decisions and with that, my own mistakes. I guess that's good since it's helped me learn about discernment. How to weight decisions and choices. This also meant I had to learn to face myself, and discern what inside me was calling me to change and why. What motivates me, and how does that help or hinder my decision making and my relationships? This is an ongoing process, so I have no real answers. Just spend more time observing and listening to the world and those around me, and to my reactions and responses to them.
What is within, is without...meaning outside of me, not lacking for me. Within is what, if I'm conscious of it, helps me translate what is happening outside, beyond my own perspective. We each stand and live in the one spot where we are at any given time. From that spot and through the lens of that place and time and whatever else enters into our being, we see and interpret the world and our place in it. Being spiritual beings having both a spiritual and physical experience at the same time, our perspectives are full of what we have allowed ourselves to be, to see, and to experience. What does that look like?
As I mentioned earlier, when I'm in need of change, on any level, I start moving things around. I put my energy into shifting things and using my energy to channel into actions. My desire is that those actions be creative, productive, meaningful, but I cannot know the outcome until whatever I'm doing is done. Much in life is undone. I'm in the middle of so many projects and goals. Everything from keeping the kitchen counters clear and clean to getting around to finishing a painting that needs some lighter colors to brighten up the darkness of something someone called Life.
Someone gave me a partially finished canvas...the dark color containing the word Life, and it's been leaning against the wall waiting for me to get into adding some light to make it more fully alive and to add some contrast to it.
Friends express their sorrow and despair about conditions that also cause me sorrow and despair, and I write to add light to their darkness, and hope to their despair. It brightens both our lives for a minute or two, and reminds me that what we express, create, or produce, does have an effect, a positive one I pray, on others.
A friend's 90+ year old Mother tells me how much she loved something I wrote, and that motivates me to keep going, to work to make the story come to life for her as well as to me.
Another old friend has been sitting vigil for her husband of 50 years, for years now until he finally died, just after their 50th anniversary. She reminds me that our words are needed. Our art is medicine and a healing balm to others, whether we know it or not.
So yesterday when I was exhausted from a busy week, I thought I'd take the day off and just vegetate. Instead, the urge to move things around overtook me. It began by my beginning to rearrange my office. And then shifted to rearranging my bedroom. I finished rearranging and cleaning up my bedroom, and I have a good start in the overhaul of my office.
My office redo reminded me of living in a large room in my friends' home in what used to be Naval housing on the Old Ford Ord grounds. I did one of my very first Feng Shui clear and clean out rituals there, at the start of my solo career as a writer, artist, and spiritual/pastoral counselor. At the time I had no idea how I was going to make that all happen, but I was doing all I could to put energy into that direction. I read an article at the time of a woman who was running 3 businesses from her home. Even though her businesses were much different from mine, I figured if she could do it, so could I. But until I organized my life to reflect what my goals and dreams needed, I lived in the "As If" state.
The As If stage of life is behaving as if something were true...the idea being, we need to believe something is true or possible, even when we had doubts, fears, or simply lacked enough knowledge or experience to give us the fortitude to push on. This morning I wrote my Daughter one of the daily notes I send her, and thought I'd like to offer some words of support. She works so hard, and I want to help and support her as best I can, so that's what I thought I could do for today. I found a quote by Nelson Mandela that seems apropos. "It always seems impossible until it's done."
Wish I'd internalized that earlier in life, but perhaps it's okay that I've learned it in process. in the process of discovering that truth, along with others, and in the process of learning it as a lived reality instead of just a good idea. So with the shifting of furniture and perspective, I arrive at today. Last night, after all the moving and shaking up of my life here at home, I slept like a baby. And I woke feeling rested, gazing out at the trees and birds and sky that I had not been able to see from where my bed was positioned.
Today in the Light and influence of the Full Flower Moon in Scorpio, I happily plumb the depths of life, and feel such relief as the energy flows forth from within me, like a damned up spring ,released.
