Wednesday, February 8, 2012
Coasting Along: A Writer's Journey: Winter on the River
Coasting Along: A Writer's Journey: Winter on the River: After two weeks of clear, crisp, sunny, Halcyon Days of Winter, 2012, winter weather seems to have settled in at the mouth of the River. Me...
Winter on the River
After two weeks of clear, crisp, sunny, Halcyon Days of Winter, 2012, winter weather seems to have settled in at the mouth of the River. Met my friends at the Coffee Girl Cafe at noon, and shared some laughter, comforting and supportive conversations, and then headed home to install my new heater. By install, I mean, plug in. The wall heater in my home is so noisy that not only can't I hear myself think when it's on, but I can't hear anyone or anything else. It's been like living with a jet engine. Besides the noise, it doesn't generate much heat. My friend loaned me a small, portable heater, that I can roll around between my living room and my office. Haven't been so excited for ages about an appliance. For the first time in a very long time, I have time to take care of creature comforts; things I have often overlooked. Finally, I have time and am taking time to take care of personal business.
The month of January was one of major changes in my life, and I find that what lies ahead is not what I had planned on doing this winter. Due to health issues, I had to rethink my priorities, and make the choice to stop pushing in the areas of life that were no longer working for me. We've all had those times when even events and decisions that have nothing to do with us directly, have an impact on our lives. For me, I was forced to make a decision that will have a profound effect on my life as a writer, photographer, and artist. I had to resign from a job, and stay home for a few weeks in order to take care of my health. As easy as it is to help other people make the same type of choices and transitions, it's not always easy to really listen to the messages the Universe was sending me (body, mind, spirit, dreams, intuition). I was fortunate, that I paid attention to the signs, and did not let myself get to the point where I had no choice. Having counseled enough people for a long time, I too sought sound advice and heeded the suggestions of wise counsel. For nearly five weeks, I have spoken only to my closest family and friends, and have spent much time by myself resting, reflecting, and allowing myself to heal. Facing some of the issues that require me to change my way of living, I have spent much time reflecting and discerning the choices I had. One of the main decisions had to do with leaving teaching---a career that has sustained me for many years.
Once my decision was made, and I handed over my job to my replacement, I then began the hard work of processing my feelings and dealing with a new set of expectations. At other times in my life, when I've finished a great big project (thesis, dissertation, deadline for a journal publication, or completion of a retreat, lecture, or workshop), I have taken a short break, and then immediately begun making new lists of what I wanted to do next. Often a big project will energize me and fill me with ideas that I want to put into form. I have learned that stages of my life as an artist and writer, are similar to being in a deep and long lasting marriage. When the marriage moves to a new stage or ends, it takes a while to adjust to the changes. New stages of a career or marriage are usually a matter of adjustments. Endings of either, require healing and recovery. As I leave teaching after a 40+ year career, I turn my direction more deeply toward my writing and art. Writing has been a big part of my life; part of and co-existent with my academic career. However, now, I have once again extricated myself from the role in order to come to wholeness on all levels.
No longer a young woman, I have chosen to put my energy and attention into my life as a writer and artist full time. For the last year and a half, I reentered academia to teach a class~my favorite classes in comparative religions. I loved my students. I loved the college where I taught and the wonderful people who teach and work there. My classes were full, rich, and thoroughly enjoyable. It was some of the best teaching I have done. Having started my own businesses in freelance writing, photography, and pastoral counseling over 7 years ago, I continued to run my own businesses along with commuting to and from Portland for the last 6 terms. Then January, 2012 on the first day of school, I found myself sitting in front of two computer monitors, with a cell phone to one ear and the land line to the other, trying to trouble shoot a major problem with my laptop while getting ready to walk into a full class on the first day of the term. I felt like a cartoon character. My life at that point reminded me of an old cartoon I kept on my fridge for years. The cartoon's first frame showed a character with wings tied to his back, getting way back off the edge of a cliff to give himself a running start to begin his ascent into the air to try his wings out. In the cartoon's second frame, the character is shown collapsed on the ground just at the edge of the cliff, having exhausted himself before he even got to the take off point. This cartoon made me laugh because it reminded me of a lesson I have learned over and over; it's important to recognize our limits and to pace ourselves so we don't run out of steam for that which really matters. When we exhaust ourselves in any way, we become ineffective in almost every way.
Writers and artists require health and balance; or at least this writer and artist does. Knowing when to stop is crucial to my process as a writer and to my health as a human being. Every stage of life, every role we take on, each responsibility has its lifespan. Sometimes we are reminded of the span of life of a role or relationship because of what is decided for us. We might be fired from a job or our job might be eliminated. For some of us, our jobs have become obsolete or they no longer fit with our stage of life or well-being. I thought of my work as an instructor as you might that of an athlete. An athlete has a limited number of years when she/he is at their optimal level of performance. No one can tell what that level is, and there are certainly many good athletes that go beyond the normal age of retirement, just as there are many great professors who teach their entire lives. I have no doubt that I am an excellent professor. The problem for me is that, I'm a writer and artist who has no idea what my limits are for I have not yet begun to fly. I've written a great deal. I am a professional who does good and even excellent work. What I haven't done yet is bring my writing into full fruition. It has been squeezed in between, worked on with the excess fuel, time, and resources after my other obligations have been taken care of. As a writer and artist, I give myself permission to take the time, nourishment, space, fullness of life that I need for optimum health.
When I was a young girl and woman, my mother used the analogy of burning the candle at both ends to describe my lifestyle. I have always pursued my dreams, taken risks, made major moves, dared to dream, and done what others said was impossible. I have been a devoted wife, mother, daughter, teacher, friend, and colleague. I have lived life with vision, belief, and the strong desire to allow my energy to branch out into the different streams that caught my interests and focus. Maybe it has something to do with being the eldest daughter and granddaughter. Maybe is has something to do with being a woman with drive and intellect at a time when women had to prove themselves at every turn. Maybe it had something to do with my zest for life, creative spirit, and deep longing and call to live out my purpose. Whatever it has been, teaching, education, and teaching teachers to teach has been a huge piece of my life. Now, it is time to step out of the main role, out of the spot light that teaching demands, in order to move more fully into my own life~the writing and artist's life.
For the past month and a half, I have been standing at a threshold, thinking the pathway would lead in one direction, and then realizing, the road was leading in an entirely new direction. One thing I have learned is that life does not turn out as you think it will. It is vital to make plans. It's good to have ideas about what you want and how you'd like to move toward your dreams and goals, but the truly beautiful truth about life is that it is so much more exciting, interesting, surprising, and rewarding than we could possibly imagine.
While I have a strong sense of how we have the capacity to create, make things happen, and choose, I have an even deeper and stronger knowledge of the power of the Divine Creative Spirit that infuses all of life with unique gifts, roles, opportunities, and challenges. Regardless of our plans, life opens before us in mysterious and unpredictable ways. Whether we expect it or plan for it, the movements, desires, and dreams of others work on the deep and mystical threads of destiny unfolding within us, between us, and around us, in the lives that we are gifted to be living right now, here where we are. So I cast my fate to the winds, with the trust, faith, and knowledge that what I am meant to do and be will surely manifest. I am in the presence of Creator Spirit with the support of the ancestors in the communion of the saints. I am loved and I love, and am gifted with a good and loving family and devoted and loving friends.
I have learned to pay attention to the intuitive knowledge that is ever present. When I am willing to pay attention to my instincts, thoughts, dreams, visions, and understanding, I learn much and receive many blessings. I have learned to pay attention and respond to everything going on around me, and to rely on Divine Truth to manifest in ways that, even if I do not understand. Because I believe there is something greater even than the human spirit, I look for signs that point the way toward that which is calling for my attention. Just as writers and artists, musicians and actors have learned to listen to the muse that calls them to a spark of the divine and warns them away from that which no longer nourishes or connects, I have learned to allow the life I am living to fill me with what I need to create and live more fully. To serve and support those whom I love, and to pull my spirit back from the places where I am trapped, frozen, or caught up in some form of negativity (anger, fear, worry, regret, doubt). For now, my focus is on the immediate awareness of the Breath of Life, the Spirit of the Divine, that keeps me breathing in and out, that fills me with delight, joy, gratitude, love, and creativity. My writing life is fueled by an awareness of life that requires space, time, and attention. As I sit on the opposite shore of the river, I look out to the past as a woman who has grown and been given the gifts that have been fostered, nurtured, and shared with students and other educators for many years, indeed decades. I feel full, satisfied, and grateful, and I pass through the gateway of tomorrow with a richness of living to use in my writing and art. I take what I have learned with me, to fuel the fires of creativity to come.
The month of January was one of major changes in my life, and I find that what lies ahead is not what I had planned on doing this winter. Due to health issues, I had to rethink my priorities, and make the choice to stop pushing in the areas of life that were no longer working for me. We've all had those times when even events and decisions that have nothing to do with us directly, have an impact on our lives. For me, I was forced to make a decision that will have a profound effect on my life as a writer, photographer, and artist. I had to resign from a job, and stay home for a few weeks in order to take care of my health. As easy as it is to help other people make the same type of choices and transitions, it's not always easy to really listen to the messages the Universe was sending me (body, mind, spirit, dreams, intuition). I was fortunate, that I paid attention to the signs, and did not let myself get to the point where I had no choice. Having counseled enough people for a long time, I too sought sound advice and heeded the suggestions of wise counsel. For nearly five weeks, I have spoken only to my closest family and friends, and have spent much time by myself resting, reflecting, and allowing myself to heal. Facing some of the issues that require me to change my way of living, I have spent much time reflecting and discerning the choices I had. One of the main decisions had to do with leaving teaching---a career that has sustained me for many years.
Once my decision was made, and I handed over my job to my replacement, I then began the hard work of processing my feelings and dealing with a new set of expectations. At other times in my life, when I've finished a great big project (thesis, dissertation, deadline for a journal publication, or completion of a retreat, lecture, or workshop), I have taken a short break, and then immediately begun making new lists of what I wanted to do next. Often a big project will energize me and fill me with ideas that I want to put into form. I have learned that stages of my life as an artist and writer, are similar to being in a deep and long lasting marriage. When the marriage moves to a new stage or ends, it takes a while to adjust to the changes. New stages of a career or marriage are usually a matter of adjustments. Endings of either, require healing and recovery. As I leave teaching after a 40+ year career, I turn my direction more deeply toward my writing and art. Writing has been a big part of my life; part of and co-existent with my academic career. However, now, I have once again extricated myself from the role in order to come to wholeness on all levels.
No longer a young woman, I have chosen to put my energy and attention into my life as a writer and artist full time. For the last year and a half, I reentered academia to teach a class~my favorite classes in comparative religions. I loved my students. I loved the college where I taught and the wonderful people who teach and work there. My classes were full, rich, and thoroughly enjoyable. It was some of the best teaching I have done. Having started my own businesses in freelance writing, photography, and pastoral counseling over 7 years ago, I continued to run my own businesses along with commuting to and from Portland for the last 6 terms. Then January, 2012 on the first day of school, I found myself sitting in front of two computer monitors, with a cell phone to one ear and the land line to the other, trying to trouble shoot a major problem with my laptop while getting ready to walk into a full class on the first day of the term. I felt like a cartoon character. My life at that point reminded me of an old cartoon I kept on my fridge for years. The cartoon's first frame showed a character with wings tied to his back, getting way back off the edge of a cliff to give himself a running start to begin his ascent into the air to try his wings out. In the cartoon's second frame, the character is shown collapsed on the ground just at the edge of the cliff, having exhausted himself before he even got to the take off point. This cartoon made me laugh because it reminded me of a lesson I have learned over and over; it's important to recognize our limits and to pace ourselves so we don't run out of steam for that which really matters. When we exhaust ourselves in any way, we become ineffective in almost every way.
Writers and artists require health and balance; or at least this writer and artist does. Knowing when to stop is crucial to my process as a writer and to my health as a human being. Every stage of life, every role we take on, each responsibility has its lifespan. Sometimes we are reminded of the span of life of a role or relationship because of what is decided for us. We might be fired from a job or our job might be eliminated. For some of us, our jobs have become obsolete or they no longer fit with our stage of life or well-being. I thought of my work as an instructor as you might that of an athlete. An athlete has a limited number of years when she/he is at their optimal level of performance. No one can tell what that level is, and there are certainly many good athletes that go beyond the normal age of retirement, just as there are many great professors who teach their entire lives. I have no doubt that I am an excellent professor. The problem for me is that, I'm a writer and artist who has no idea what my limits are for I have not yet begun to fly. I've written a great deal. I am a professional who does good and even excellent work. What I haven't done yet is bring my writing into full fruition. It has been squeezed in between, worked on with the excess fuel, time, and resources after my other obligations have been taken care of. As a writer and artist, I give myself permission to take the time, nourishment, space, fullness of life that I need for optimum health.
When I was a young girl and woman, my mother used the analogy of burning the candle at both ends to describe my lifestyle. I have always pursued my dreams, taken risks, made major moves, dared to dream, and done what others said was impossible. I have been a devoted wife, mother, daughter, teacher, friend, and colleague. I have lived life with vision, belief, and the strong desire to allow my energy to branch out into the different streams that caught my interests and focus. Maybe it has something to do with being the eldest daughter and granddaughter. Maybe is has something to do with being a woman with drive and intellect at a time when women had to prove themselves at every turn. Maybe it had something to do with my zest for life, creative spirit, and deep longing and call to live out my purpose. Whatever it has been, teaching, education, and teaching teachers to teach has been a huge piece of my life. Now, it is time to step out of the main role, out of the spot light that teaching demands, in order to move more fully into my own life~the writing and artist's life.
For the past month and a half, I have been standing at a threshold, thinking the pathway would lead in one direction, and then realizing, the road was leading in an entirely new direction. One thing I have learned is that life does not turn out as you think it will. It is vital to make plans. It's good to have ideas about what you want and how you'd like to move toward your dreams and goals, but the truly beautiful truth about life is that it is so much more exciting, interesting, surprising, and rewarding than we could possibly imagine.
While I have a strong sense of how we have the capacity to create, make things happen, and choose, I have an even deeper and stronger knowledge of the power of the Divine Creative Spirit that infuses all of life with unique gifts, roles, opportunities, and challenges. Regardless of our plans, life opens before us in mysterious and unpredictable ways. Whether we expect it or plan for it, the movements, desires, and dreams of others work on the deep and mystical threads of destiny unfolding within us, between us, and around us, in the lives that we are gifted to be living right now, here where we are. So I cast my fate to the winds, with the trust, faith, and knowledge that what I am meant to do and be will surely manifest. I am in the presence of Creator Spirit with the support of the ancestors in the communion of the saints. I am loved and I love, and am gifted with a good and loving family and devoted and loving friends.
I have learned to pay attention to the intuitive knowledge that is ever present. When I am willing to pay attention to my instincts, thoughts, dreams, visions, and understanding, I learn much and receive many blessings. I have learned to pay attention and respond to everything going on around me, and to rely on Divine Truth to manifest in ways that, even if I do not understand. Because I believe there is something greater even than the human spirit, I look for signs that point the way toward that which is calling for my attention. Just as writers and artists, musicians and actors have learned to listen to the muse that calls them to a spark of the divine and warns them away from that which no longer nourishes or connects, I have learned to allow the life I am living to fill me with what I need to create and live more fully. To serve and support those whom I love, and to pull my spirit back from the places where I am trapped, frozen, or caught up in some form of negativity (anger, fear, worry, regret, doubt). For now, my focus is on the immediate awareness of the Breath of Life, the Spirit of the Divine, that keeps me breathing in and out, that fills me with delight, joy, gratitude, love, and creativity. My writing life is fueled by an awareness of life that requires space, time, and attention. As I sit on the opposite shore of the river, I look out to the past as a woman who has grown and been given the gifts that have been fostered, nurtured, and shared with students and other educators for many years, indeed decades. I feel full, satisfied, and grateful, and I pass through the gateway of tomorrow with a richness of living to use in my writing and art. I take what I have learned with me, to fuel the fires of creativity to come.
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