Stopping Points

In Flight                                                       Catherine Al-Meten

Author, Annie Dillard, wrote,"a schedule defends from chaos and whim.  A net for catching days."  Sometimes it seems that time has just flown by. When I am  envisioning something, say some day wanting  to write a book,  or just getting started doing an interesting piece of research, or setting goals to fill in some requisite statement of purpose or artist's statement, I somehow never imagine the kind of life  I  end up living. After so many years mastering my craft as an educator, and immersing myself in studies, research, and journeys down intriguing and interesting paths through ancient paths of ideas, cultures, and spiritual traditions, I found myself at a stopping point.

I say stopping point rather than turning point, because it seemed at the time, that no matter what steps I thought I should take, something else led me in a different direction. One of my good friends said to me years ago that wherever I went, I usually went thinking I was there for one reason, but once I arrived, found the Divine synchronicity of my life was leading me in an entirely different direction. I arrived at the stopping point after making a decision that changed the way I would spend my time and life.

The decision I made about eight years ago was to leave my career as an educator to start my own businesses. Since then,  I have been focusing my time, resources, and energy on being a full time  freelance writer, a photographer, and a spiritual counselor.   After moving  back to the Pacific Coast from the East Coast, and I  established myself in a little apartment up on the hill on Clay Street in Monterey. I  volunteered at the Monterey Public Library, and began meeting really nice people. On my 61st birthday, I found myself spending my birthday alone for the first time in years.  Birthdays are important marking points for me. Celebrating life, taking stock of what has come and gone, and settling into a new vision of the future. On that particular day, I drove down the coast to Big Sur, and treated myself to lunch on the veranda of Nepenthe. Later I wandered around the Phoenix Gift Shop. I walked downstairs to look at the beautiful clothes, and struck up a conversation with a woman who was working there.

We began talking about writing and photography, and about both having lived in Portland, Oregon, and we also began talking about pursuing our dreams.  This person, Toni,  and I became good friends, and spent quite a bit of time talking about and trying to help support one another's work. I worked the Open Studio tours in Monterey with her, and learned about how the art scene operates. It was interesting, fascinating, and so enlightening to me.  

Toni and I were both running our own businesses, and she told me about the Small Business Administration's mentor program.  I knew I needed some guidance and information as I didn't consider myself a business woman.I knew my field, and I was a good organizer and leader, but working for myself was something very new. During the  mentoring experience,  I sat with Robert Kramer an entrepreneur who runs his own CEO consulting firm. Robert was a good listener, and a very savvy businessman and strategist.  A former West Pointer, the retired Army man knew how to help those he worked with raise their expectations, formulate a dream, and then set out to achieve those dreams.

What I envisioned when I was working with Robert, is what I have done. How I am living now, is the result of  what I set into motion at his instigation. He pushed, he saw where I needed tools to decipher the process I was headed for. 

As we often feel when we are either at the beginning of a new path or at the end of it, we could never imagine what lay ahead. Throughout my life I have depended on a couple of pieces of Truth.

One, nothing is ever lost in the Universe. You may think you are lost, but with some perspective (time, distance, and a little wisdom, and more time), you will begin to see your way through the darkness or along a path that seemed to be leading you nowhere.

Two, everything matters and everything is connected. And we cannot always see every aspect of the plan, the destiny or fate-whatever you wish to call it.  Some call it the future, others call it certainty. That has never worked for me. I have come to expect the unexpected, and to just keep showing up, doing the work, and trusting.

Three, Trust is number three. What is true for me is I have to trust. I have to trust myself. I have to trust a Divine, intervening and guiding Principle, and I have to trust the process and the source of all creative acts.

A thousand tiny sparks have been lit along the way, lighting the path, one glimmer at a time. Now I turn around and realize there is more that I have created than I can keep track of. This surprises me, for I like many writers and artists, never think I have done enough, have enough time, or have gotten as far with a project or idea as I think I should.  And yet, every day I keep showing up, picking up pen, or laying my fingers on this keyboard, and pretty soon, in hidden files, on scraps of paper, and on book covers and journals, I pick the fruits of my labor and see I have bushels of creations.

This evening, I was cleaning up the files on my computer. In the process, I found a poem here, and another there. I opened a manuscript I had begun, oh I don't even know how long ago. I started going through the document, and realized I had a book of poetry already.  Because I do more than one thing at a time, I sometimes go long periods of time between working on some projects. With poetry, I do not write it every day. I write primarily when I'm inspired.

That happens often enough, but I just keep adding one after another, until now I have another book. It is as if the book just kind of floated down from the ceiling and landed in my lap, saying something like, "Oh you have a little editing to do, and you might want to add a photograph here and another there, but you've got yourself enough material for the new book."  I wasn't even thinking about another poetry book, certainly not tonight, but that's what I found.  

At this point, I am so immersed in Life that I can hardly keep track of all that is happening. I'm getting some things accomplished with relative ease and speed, while other things take longer and seem to be outside the realm of possibility sometimes. Because I love to understand the why and how of everything, including myself, I wonder if I'll get to the point when I'll be able to process everything that has already happened in life?  This will most likely happen when I'm in a conversation with someone I love or someone who understands how exciting and captivating life can be.  

For now, I use meditation, prayer,  and my yoga practice to keep me connected and grounded. Maintaining spiritual practices eases some of the pressure I put on myself to do each piece of writing well, and to give my very best in every situation.  I realize I'm not that important that anyone is noticing whether or not I'm 'doing it right'; that pressure is on me, by me, and of me.  I love writing. I love doing photography, and I really enjoy the time I spend with my clients and students.  The practices of presence and patience have allowed me to live more mindfully--more in the present of each moment. And feeling really connected to that Spirit which moves within me and connects me to everyone else, everything else, and whatever Divine Cosmic energy there is that shapes and holds us in motion. 

This blog is about writing and the writer's life. I stop in here periodically, to share my thoughts about the writing process, or my life as a writer...whatever seems connected to my ideas that might reach the heart, mind, or soul of someone else.  Each one of us is different from one another. Our personalities and all the elements that shape who we are and what our lives are all about, give us each a unique perspective. What we do with our gifts, experiences, disappointments, desires, and needs, is a dynamic and very unpredictable variable.

What I want to share tonight is this.   Do you ever wonder, "Is anything happening to make my life more fulfilling?", "Have I produced or created anything of value?"  Some say philosophically, "You won't care what you accomplished at the end of your life. You'll only care who you loved." Well if you are a writer, or any other kind of artist, you know that is not completely true.  I write because I have to write. I have a pen in my hand nearly all the time. My writing and photography are influenced by many things, including who I love or what I have passion for. However, they are also something else beyond that.  We write to give voice to that passion. We photograph to capture the "here and now" for someone who is not present.  We carry our art around in our hearts, our heads, our memories, and from home to home.  For me, the two go together in many cases, feeding one creative moment into another into another.   

Pull out some of your favorite creations, projects, or ideas. Put them in some kind of solid form (writing, music, art, sculpture, carpentry, photograpy). Then allow yourself some time to absorb what you have created.  Tonight I put some pieces together, and began wrapping them up in one shape to send out into the world.  That's what writing and then putting together a book is all about.  It's a beautiful experience, but for me, it is not a linear process. There are linear moments in the process, but the path is windey and full of uncertainties, choices, and releasing. Tonight's Full Moon in Scorpio and Sun in Taurus are pulling us in different directions, yet allowing us to experience much greater wholeness than we migh normally. As water and earth come together, we shape our lives based on the physical, concrete, mundane, and daily-life expectations, and we do so with great inner awareness, acceptance, and love. Full Moons are about completions, fulfillment, and receiving what is meant for us. 

As a way to honor this energy tonight, I turn my mind and heart to pure acceptance of myself as well as others. No one let's things be...it is not in our power to grant permission for others to live or not. If we are observant and wise, we will notice what it is in our lives that needs to be released, in the sense of notice it's gone, it's over, or it's clear, and go on with new knowledge and understanding. I can do that sometimes. Other times it may take me a while longer. Tonight I surrender my will to that of God, and trust that I will know when I need to know. What I can do and be certain is necessary is to take good care of myself. Get enough rest, exercise, nourishing food, and live a relatively satisfying and secure life. 

I feel fortunate to live in a small town where there is more life than I experienced in some cities.  I know this is a reflection of how I have seen the world, however, it is a very nice place because of the way people treat one another, for the most part. There being fewer people here, makes it easier to know people at a deeper level. Because there are many artists, writers, and spiritual teachers here, most people understand how important it is that we allow one another time, privacy, and a bit of distance in order to do what we need to do.  This is a particularly juicy time of life, and tonight while it's still hot and muggy, I am simply satisfied to be at the end of the day.  Wondering about what's ahead or what could have been, have no place in my home tonight. The breeze is blowing in the open window, and the night birds ar making noises out on the river. The moon's trailing over the tree tops, and the night is beautiful and alive. 

The pot at the end of the rainbow

St. Patrick's Day Rainbow                                                            Catherine Al-Meten

The adage, 'The rules were meant to be broken" must have been uttered by a pragmatist, no an idealist. An idealist would believe a rule was necessary to provide boundaries, limitations, or order in the Universe.  A pragmatist would know better. Rules are meant to be broken because, despite our intentions, we veer off course occasionally. This morning while reading an article on developing simple habits, I realized I do best when I establish rituals, guidelines and elements as part of my daily practices, trusting that they will come in handy when I veer off course.

This morning as a wide shaft of a rainbow pours out of the storm clouds into the northern shore of the river, I am mesmerized by the power and beauty that forms life. Today is the first day of my new year, having celebrated my birthday yesterday. As I connected with my family and friends, I was reminded of who I am an dhow fortunate my life is. At this time of year, I reflect and consider how far afield I may be from some of my dreams, goals, and desires. It is also time when I consider how mindful and present I have been of each moment, each experience, and each relationship I have been blessed with.

Birthdays are threshold times-times when to look back over the year to see how far we have come, to see what has fallen away, disappeared, been resolved, or healed. It's a time for gaining perspective, realizing what we can bear that we thought might take us down. It's a time to better understand how much we can change or have an effect on others, and how much we cannot or will not. It is a time to come to accept how little we can do for others despite our best efforts and intentions. It is a time we can learn who and what remains faithful and constant in our lives, and what is transitory and fleeting.

Today as the morning light reflected off the dappled storm clouds rising in the West, the sky filled with vibrant pinks, grays, whites, against the bright blue sky. It was a moment between  storms reminding us that the Sun comes out after even the darkest, fiercest storms. As the waters of the tidal river ebb away from the reeds, camas, and berry bushes along the shore, the sunlight fills in the rippled places in the silty bed of the ancient river.  Yes, time and tides come and go, ebb and flow, and so do our lives move on, deepening along the way.

One of the changing influences in my life this last year has been the addition of two lovely kittens. In just the twinkling of the eye, my life changed from one spent in quiet, serene, and deeply satisfying solitude, to one of rambunctious, cat-and-mouse-chasing chaos. From a schedule determined only by my own biological clock, needs, and the Sun, my morning rituals have dissolved into games I [lay to keep some kind of order in my waking and writing life. From morning journal writing and dream recording practices, my rituals now revolve around designing ways o stay in bed while cats tussle under my covers and threaten to pounce on me if I move to kick them out. As in my teaching days, "the look" coupled with a threat of the squirting water bottle (not needed or used in my teaching days), have become my tools for order. All I need to do is raise the bottle; one squirt was all that was needed to make only the threat necessary. Making the morning  ablutions part of the ritual also helps. The rule, "It's a good idea to make your bed first thing in the morning" Has become a challenge. What once was a simple chore and part of my daily ritual has become a raucous, playful, morning meditation with the kittens.

So on this first day of my new year, I am finding peace where I am, in this moment, and in my life. Goals now include befriending myself, becoming more accepting and understanding of who I am as opposed to who I thought I should or would be. Getting more comfortable with my many layers of being--years behind me, memory piling upon memory, days turning to years, years to decades, and time beginning to fly faster that I would ever imagine it could With the patience, wisdom, and good sense of my Nurse Practitioner and my Chiropractor (and the other healers in my life), I am becoming more understanding of my body, mind, spirit, emotions, and ego (the little atman, self, limited mind).

At the end of the past year, one of my old friends died, and the promise of life changed as I recognized the meaning of being present in a very tangible way. One dear friend shared with me her feeling such sadness at the death. She said, "I'm so unenlightened about death." This from a very religious, spiritual, and deeply conscious woman...however her words touched me as the tangible, realness of losing someone, losing the physical presence of someone is so very difficult. We get trapped between how they die and the spiritual reality of what happens to their soul, their energy, their true being. What lies between those two extremes are all those connections, memories, significant moments and places where our energy is still connecting, storing, and holding a place of honor for the one who is no longer with us.  When we lose someone we love, we are awoken or we are released. We are filled with dread or we are filled with awe. We are frightened or we are reminded how valuable each moment is. My first response to my friend's death was gratitude for all those in my life who I have loved. Such gratitude for family and friends who are and have been part of my bounty--the pot at the end of the rainbow, for in the end, what matters is that we have loved.

As I stand on the threshold, I look out across the river, the mountains, and the sea, and I open my arms, my heart, and my mind to receive whatever blessings await. On the journey of the new year, my desire is to be awake, ever present and mindful, grateful and aware of the gifts of presence.
As my Frederico, my tomcat, drops his mouse beside me for the umpteenth time, he reminds me to pay attention and be playful. Even if we get the occasional scratch or trip over a cat's tail, living life fully in connection and engaged is worth all the scratches, broken hearts, and messes we make or have to clean up. Life is meant for living, not just observing it or trying to play it safe. We get out of life partially what we put into it. However, the richness of life and living is in what the people and experiences that we let into our hearts and the risks we take in following our dreams, creating beauty, and keeping doors open. It is in keeping communication flowing with those we love. Life is not just about making it what we want. Life is about treasuring what it is, valuing we we are, and recognizing how fortunate we are to love, to create, to discover beauty and to share life with those we are gifted to have in our lives. Next time you sit with a friend, talk to your child or grandchild, or look across the room at the one you love, slow down and be present a little longer. Listen. Savor. Feel the sense of the silent places between you and recognize how truly rich, fortunate, and blessed you are. The more of those special moments you have, the more you will get scratched, make messes, and need healing. But the more of life you will have to draw on, to sustain you, and the more you will have lived life deeply and significantly. And there will be times when those you have loved will remember those significant times together, and that will be the bond, the connection, the ongoing Creation that we have each added to the web of life and love.

Writing with Kittens

Fred and Ginger                                                                                                                                     Catherine Al-Meten   

On New Year's Eve, two new residents joined my household. Fred and Ginger arrived via my friends, early New Year's Eve day, and have changed my life completely. It's been years since I have had cats of my own. Friends have invited me to get my 'cat fix' by house and pet sitting  for them.  I enjoyed immensely taking care of other people's cats, and yet, I have had a longing for my own pet. When Fred Astaire and Ginger Rogers, brother and sister kittens of about 3 months of age, came to live with me, I had no idea how much they would affect every area of my life, particularly my writing life.

Last time I had cats, they were 'old lady' cats who had long outgrown their kittenish ways. They lounged across computer keyboards, or dangled their heads and paws from the top of the bulky, old computer monitor, but rarely felt intrigued by my pen, paper journal, or toes that I can recall. When Fred and Ginger were en route, I was more concerned about how to deal with the "litter box" situation than I was anything else. The litter box has actually been one of the easier adjustments due to the improvements made with clumping litter, and my daily practice of keeping the box clean. There are no lingering catty odors, and my bathroom floor is always clean as it is swept once or twice a day. Only occasionally will I spot fresh, damp kitten paw prints marking the dark wood floor leading a way from the bathroom--a sure sign someone has been investigating the water dripping in the bathtub.

Right now my friend Frederico, FeFe, is lounged beside me on the top of the glass table where I am writing. His interests alter between the occasional bird he sees flying past the window out across the river or into the bare branches of the plum tree outside, and the ball that the other kitten, Ginger Rose has found under my bed. He sits beside me for a few minutes, gazing at me and watching me write. We have a conversation about privacy issues, how much he wants told about his life or not, and then we agree that I will only share the cute and funny behavior as it directly relates to my writing.  It was really a one-way conversation, as I doubt that Fred Astaire, Fred Pablo, Frederico, FeFe...has anything on his mind except whether or not I will read his clues regarding filling up the bowl with kibble, making sure water is fresh and up to the rim of his blue water bowl, or whether or not I'm up for an occasional  game of cat, claws, tag at 2:30 in the morning or not. In the middle of the night when woken from a sound sleep, however, I discovered kittens are basically untrainable. The result is, I have been trained to vacate the bed during such moments, stare out a the stars and try to find Mercury, Venus, or Mars, or spot the Galactic Center at such times.

My first clue that my writing habits were going to be affected by my new charges came the first morning, when they came up on my bed after sleeping behind the stove for their first night. They jumped up on my bed as I set my cup of hot tea on my nightstand (of course what was I thinking--an open invitation to a kitten to stick a nose or paw into the cup to see if it was anything of remote interest  to them). It had taken me years to notice my old lady cats dipping their paws into the glass of water I had placed next to my bed for years. When I realized how many germs I had probably ingested over the years, I switched to bottled water. My carefully capped bottle of San Pelligrino water now protects me from whatever is on cat paws. However, I have had to figure out another option for hot tea, or the occasional glass of pinot noir. I now carefully place a saucer over my tea. I digress. About writing.
That morning as the kittens joined me for my daily ritual of writing in my journal, I noticed immediately that they were fascinated with the paper and spiral on the notebook. So as I wrote, they each chewed and threw themselves across the pages of the journal. My handwriting now has large, inexplicable slashes and loops indicating that a cat has slid across the page at some point mid-sentence or paragraph.

Kittens have affected my life in many ways, many I believe, for the betterment of my health and personal happiness.  For one, they are warm, soft, and silky (albeit the teeth and claws). They snuggle up next to me quite often, one preferring to sleep behind my neck on the bolster pillow that supports my back as I write, the other nestling in my lap or beside me under my left arm. They sleep for long stretches, so it's somewhat like having a baby again.  I wait for the naps to get a lot done. Sometimes if they have worn me out with a midnight romp, I take cat naps with them in the afternoon. One thing that is very interesting about having a brother and sister pair of kittens, is that they get along so well. They play like there is no tomorrow, and they are twice the fun, keeping me laughing and amazed at their feats.  As I sit on the couch sometimes, reading, editing some photography or doing a piece of writing, I will be surprised by a sudden soaring body flying from the top of a cabinet, counter, or high table across the room to land and slide in for a home run on the coffee table runner right in front of me. I'm not used to flying objects in the house. It's surprisingly like having your own angels flying around the room, reminding you of subjects that are much more important than what you're probably writing or reading about.

Kittens need, no demand, lots of attention.  They look right into your eyes, and can find you no matter where you are. They also have that 6th sense thing, that allows them to 'read your mind'. Sometimes they can anticipate what you're going to do before you even have made up your own mind. I do not lead a very regular life, so chucking their sensitivity off to recognizing patterns of behavior won't work to explain their catsight.  And when they start crying (for that's the only way these particular mews can be interpreted), I know they are not at all happy that I am preparing to leave the house. Unlike dogs that you can take with you without upsetting too many people, cats stay home when you go away. The longest I have left the house since New Year's is about 3 hours; usually I'm gone for an hour or so, and they cry each time I am leaving.  You can tell that I'm completely under their spell. When the time  comes for me to leave town for a while, we'll all need therapy and lots of mood modifiers to deal with that trauma.  I've envisioned getting carrying cases, driving everywhere I go again, (I stopped long distance driving about 4 years ago), or never leaving the house again, and inviting everyone to come visit me instead.

You see how these things happen when we get so attached to animals that we organize our entire lives around them. Would we do this for anyone else--family or friends?  For much of our lives we work on finding balance between our personal needs and our responsibilities and desires. We learn that we can't sit in our daughter's house for the entire of our lives, so we establish our own home again, seek some independence from a job that tied us to one place and bound us to a schedule.  Just when we have the freedom to do what we want to do when we want to do it, we bring kittens or puppies, or fish into our lives, and that changes the course of journey.  The real adjustment with having kittens is not whether or not I will be able to take care of them, get used to  litter box duty again, or keep them from eating up my freshly printed manuscripts or ready-to-frame photographs (although that has been challenging). The adjustment is with recognizing the presence and importance of having other beings in our lives. Sharing space and taking care of them. Giving them attention, and stopping what we are doing long enough to be present with the moment.

Some moments require our presence. Like this moment when I hear a crashing sound in the other room, and notice both kittens are missing from my desk.  Time to take a break, get up and investigate the situation, and oh by the way, get some breakfast, give my back a break, do some yoga stretches, and look into the eyes of Fred and Ginger Rose to recognize a part of my heart that had been dormant before they came to visit.  They remind me of the love we feel inside, and the need we each have of sharing that love, expressing ourselves to others, and to simply enjoying the moment whatever that entails.

Kittens have come to stay, and will be with me for many years. My writing will survive, though my lace curtains may not. I notice my arthritic hands can only pet, not grab or disengage their claws from something they shouldn't be using for a toy. I recall years ago when we got our first kitten together, my husband saying, "It's so nice to have another little soul in the house."  And it's true. The souls of kittens are big and powerful. They connect us, awaken us, and make  us feel more at home. And God willing, they will share their lives, souls, and kitty wisdom with us for many years to come. Writing may improve for the time I spend taking care of life's daily and necessary details, for the growth of compassion and the sharing of love that taking care of animals we are entrusted to care for awakens in us.

We three are sitting here at and on the glass top table looking out at the walkway along the river. All morning dogs and their  people have been walking by on their morning walks. We, are comfy and cosy here, with our cup of tea, our clean litter box, our toys, and one another, content and happy to be among the cat people. As I write this, I notice Fred chewing on the Audubon Bird book. He's very discriminating that way...choosy about what he chews. This probably won't be the last time you will hear about the kittens. They have moved into my life and heart, and have fit right into my daily routines. I close the bathroom door when I shower, and go on long walks by myself. I have yet to have to leave them with someone, and I realize the people I have cat sat for over the years, really entrusted me with their precious ones, and I feel extra blessed that Monkee and Rana, Luna (RIP), Zelda (RIP), Vinnie and Sadie, Simon, Pounce, Opal (Fred and Ginger's Mother), Fuzz Ball and Rosie (RIP), Cupid the Dog,   and Nejma, Halood, City Kitty, and now Fred and Ginger have welcomed me into their lives and hearts...life is richer when we open our hearts and homes to our animal friends.

PS. Seems cats can distinguish between the writing process and the ediitng process. Editing means we can walk across keyboards sit in laps, and demand more attention. Hmm, this will be interesting.

Shine a Little Love On That….

Hearts of Fire                                                                                                                                                      Catherine Al-Meten

In looking for a clearer understanding of a term I use often, I discovered something about how we come to define parts of our life experiences. Words hold such power, and we use them in our speech and writing to express many different ideas, opinions, observations, as well as our perspective and understanding of complex issues. Sometimes it helps to look more deeply into what a word means and how we use it. This process allows us to gain more depth and clarity about our use of language, and helps us speak, write, think, and behave with more congruence, directly from our heart. 

The word I was studying is 'grace'.  This word holds such a special place in my experience, for it is part of a prayer I have used since childhood. The line goes something like this, "give us grace for today; feed the famished affections." Grace, a gift, a special blessing, that flows into our lives or from us to others, when most needed and often when most unexpected.  There is a long and complex history and debate about what grace actually is, but when I use this word, I mean that element of the Divine Spark that infuses us and fills us with Love. That quality and gift  which we express and extend when we are able to act out a a place of love within ourselves and when we experience the light of love and grace shining into a troubling, challenging, or otherwise difficult experience, relationship, or situation. How often have we had someone shine the light of love into a situation with which we were struggling, to open space for us to receive relief, help, understanding, or some other form of love? 

As I dug through the ancient arguments about what grace is, I found a peculiar duality in nearly every argument. The idea that any aspect of the Divine, the sacred could be separate and apart from us, seemed strange to me. The theological arguments take a back seat to my own understanding of what grace means to me.  Grace is the ability to receive love in moments when we are least receptive. Grace is the ability to experience the light of love shining on an impossible task or challenging obstacle.  Grace is our own ability to shine a little love on a situation that is awakening the worst in us. When we meet with a challenge over and over, we can be more receptive to grace when we ourselves turn a little love into attempting to understand that which stands before us as an obstacle or barrier. When we are troubled, grieved, hurting, or in danger, we need Grace to infuse our lives with Love in order to heal, find meaning and purpose, and to discover our own ability to reach out in love when we see a need in others. 

Grace, regardless its source, is that unexpected sense that wells up within us and awakens the Love to share and shine on situations that we ourselves may be perplexed by.  Grace, is that unexpected gift, surprise, relief, or answer that comes from the loving kindness of another or from an unexpected source beyond our own reach. Grace is the expressed act of Love.

May your Christmas, holy days, and life be full of grace, and may Love be the light that you shine on all troubling situations to open the door for grace to come into and flow out of your life. Blessed Noel. 

Gifts of Inspiration

Reflections                                                                                                                                                    Catherine Al-Meten

Through the water, silent giant ship makes its way quickly upriver. Overhead, the fog hangs just above the river's surface. Crows fly and caw from post to tree to roof top, awake and active on their morning hunting expedition. Stillness belies the active, dynamic nature of life. Slowly the building's residents wake and begin to jostle the surface of the stillness with their morning ablutions and dog-walking activities. Can it be that night has come and gone already, and it's time for a new day's work to begin?

Morning is the time of day I write and reflect, munch on words not cereal, and often find myself lost in thoughts, ideas, and memories that seek to find form and meaning on the pages before me. Have you ever found a piece of writing, picked it up, and wondered whose work it was, only to figure out it was something you wrote? If you have had this experience, as I have more than once, you have probably come to realize the muse speaks around those corners or over those walls where we seem to feel we are blocked, wordless, or lost. This is the gift of inspiration.

Inspiration, a word derived from the Late Latin word, inspirationem, a noun of action that means to "inspire, inflame, blow into" from the roots spirare and in (to breathe spirit into). From my days of teaching grammar, I remember 'inspire' to be a transitive verb. A transitive verb describes the act of someone or someting inspiring another to create; infusing others with life, fire, energy. Every language uses words and shades of meaning  to describe both the effable and ineffable. How does this affect our own beliefs, viewpoints, perspectives, and experiences of our connections to and with the Divine? 

Much of the language in sacred texts was translated into Latin, often from Greek. Greek was first used to translate ideas from Aramaic, Arabic, and Hebrew.  The Sanskrit language, one of the most ancient languages, uses a rich array of  language to describe spirit. All these languages, and the cultures from which they come, infuse our own lives, perspectives, perceptions, and view of the world. We all have  ideas about how the world has come into being and what our purpose and relationship is with the Divine, Higher Power, God, or the Sacred, even if this is one of doubt. Cosmology is one of the most sacred and vital aspects of life for humans, and it is worth some time to explore for we have thousands of years of history leading us to this point in time where what we believe plays a major role in how we treat one another, how understand our place and role in the Universe, and what we do with our time, gifts, and lives. 

In our country, we are influenced by both Greco-Roman ideas and ideals and by our Judeo-Christian heritage.  We are also influenced and connected to the diversity of all the spiritual and cultural traditions that continue to form our identity as a nation of people who represent nearly every culture and spiritual tradition on the planet. How just some of that cultural influence affects us can be seen when we explore a simple word like INSPIRE. Most Near Eastern  cultures, as well as other indigenous cultures, view the cosmos as one united field of being. On the other hand,  the Greco-Roman constructs view the cosmos from a dualistic worldview. 

The Greco-Roman constructs and perspective undergird much of what the dominant cultures uses to define so-called the Western worldview. The dualistic bent of much of dominant culture's sacred ideals and formulations, is based on the idea that Rollo May calls the "I-Thou" relationship. A perspective based on separation and differentiation; dividing and disconnecting.  Most of us hold a variety of often conflicting views and beliefs. We  view the world differently, based upon our own experiences, own cultural biases and heritage, personalities, and life and soul experiences. Whether we experience life as Oneness and Unity, or whether we experience life as an us vs. them, I vs. thou, or It vs me, we meet ourselves along the way, in ways that allow us to grow or die, find meaning or lose hope, dive into life, or avoid living. What path have you chosen?

In looking at what inspires us to live life more fully or not, let's look at how language changes and infuses meaning for us. In Aramaic, (the language Jesus and his friends and family spoke) as in Arabic and Hebrew, there is no use of the male and female pronoun. There is definitely a way of designating gender, but it is not with a pronoun. So why does this matter? It matters in that when our language uses words that separate us into groups according to gender, our perspective and viewpoint tends to view the world as separate entitites. This affects the way we connect, define, understand, or envision our relationship with Spirit.  When asked "What is your image of the Divine, of God?" people often answer in terms that are very anthropomorphic (giving God human-like qualities or viewing God as a person in often giant-like form).  Another response to to describe the Divine is to describe what God is not. Often what is rejected is the idea that God is an omniscient, omnipresent ogre, judge, or manipulator.  Sadly, often that is such a strong image that it prevents a person from feeling any connection other than one of being under the thumb of some unkind and unloving divinity. This image of course, skews a person's view of something that is inherent in our nature, and that is the need we have to connect to that which forms our essence and the essence of others and the Universe in which we live.

Let's time travel a bit, and see how we have come to use language and concepts that help create a barrier to our connecting to the Divine essence of Spirit.  When ancient sacred texts and other works, were translated from Aramaic and other languages, into Greek,  translations began to change the meaning of the concepts, sometimes very subtly. There is a saying that something may be "lost in translation", and anyone who speaks a language other than English, certainly understands that. Ancient Aramaic  is a Semitic language, akin to Arabic and Hebrew. The idea that we are borne of the breath of the Divine is endemic in the languages out of which the word inspire was transported. Much of how the sacred ideals and ideas that were born in both the Indian and Near Eastern  cultures, have been passed along through translations first into Greek, then Latin, and then through countless other languages. .  All languages have different levels of meaning; denotations and connotations, physical and metphysical descriptions. 

Starting with the sacred language of  Sanskrit, words for soul and spirit include akasha and atman. Akasha generally refers to the animating essence of each of us. Atman refers to the Divine, all that is. There is an atman within the Atman; the aspect of the Divine within us and our essence within the Divine. Sanskrit and both Hindu and Buddhist traditions that have grown out of the cultures of the Indian subcontinent, are much more complex and diverse than this little article has time to elaborate on. However, the idea of our being part of the whole, the One, is very much an aspect of most spiritual traditions that grew from these cultures. 

In the Near East, home of the Semitic cultures whose languages, Arabic and Hebrew, are related to Aramaic, ideas about cosmology (how the Universe is/was created, and what our relationship is to the Divine) grew with ideas that used words differently. 

In Aramaic, 'Ab-woon, Abba is a word that can be defined as Divine Creator's Breath, Divine Breath of Creation, the one from whom the Divine Breath of life comes. 

In Arabic, nefs refers to the human soul, the essence of our being; ruah refers to Breath, the Divine Breath of Life.  Both words are used to refer to our Divine nature and to the Divine. 

In Hebrew, neshama refers to the human soul,the essence of our being; nephesh refers to the Divine Breath of Life, Creator/ 

When translated into Greek for the earliest translations of sacred scriptures that were written in Aramaic, the Greek word theopneustos was substituted. In Greek, theopneustos means "God-breathed", used as an adjective.  It also means inspired by God or due to the inspiration of God. 

The crucial understanding for me, of inspiration, is differentiating between what I personally am inspired to do, be, think, conceive of or what I inspire through what I do, think, say, believe, and who/what inspires me to act, be, do, conceive, or understand. This proces of discerning how the Spirit of God, my own soul and the Universe around me inflames me, sets me on fire, or infuses me with the ideas, energy, and inspiration to live more fully attuned to the Breath of the Divine within me, is what life seems to be about. So what began as a meditation on one word, inspiration, took me on a journey this morning, not on the river, but within the rivers of thought, time, distance, language, ideas, and my own connection with the Spirit that breathes life into me so I may breathe life into the gifts of life I have been given.

The tide is coming in, and the water ripples to shore, filling up all the spaces in and around the reeds, raising the boat dock, and covering the submerged logs and pilings in the lagoon. What appeared as stillness and calm, has given way to the movement, energetic flow and fire, of the day. Life inflamed, love infused, work inspired by our desire. 

Visit my Kickstarter Campaign and support Ancient River Trails.

Identity: Discovering Who We Are

Along the Dock                                                                                                                                          Catherine Al-Meten

 "To give voice to one’s identity, it is necessary to spend time listening to the spaces between what you understand about yourself, and what you have been told about who you are. For the most part our lives have been about responding to the demands of those voices around us. We listen and are told what we need to know by our families, and as we grow, the external influences expand to include friends, acquaintances, education, and the work we do. As we mature, we form partnerships and begin our own families. Throughout our lives, we can find ourselves responding to the external needs of our lives at the exclusion of the inner yearnings we have. Even in our relationships, we seem to long to discover those aspects of ourselves that we miss. Sometimes we are disappointed in the search; other times we are able to connect to something that allows our own voices to emerge. " (Catherine Al-Meten)

This quote came to me during the time I was beginning my work on giving voice to that part of my own identity that had been hidden from me.  While deciding what my doctoral work would focus on, I was encouraged to go deeper into the exploration of my own family's history and the connections that were alive within me, that had not been explored. My mixed indigenous ancestry was affected, like many others in this region, by the system of adopting out native children. The adopting out system, along with the boarding school system, were two ways that children from tribes and clans that live up and down the rivers, streams, and coasts of the Pacific Northwest were rounded up and shipped, by barge, many across the dangerous bar at the mouth of the river, upriver to orphanages and boarding schools. Children were strpped of their names, culture, language, had their hair cut, and were forbidden from speaking their languages, practicing their traditions, and most horribly, made to feel ashamed of their indigenous identity.  For many years, laws treated indigenous peoples as less than human and put restrictions on native people, keeping them from marrying, holding jobs, having access to education, and owning property. 

All the legal and social restrictions were bad enough, but  worse, in many ways it seems to me, was the restiction many of the adopted families inflicted on the children who were taught that their dreams were evil, their imaginations and love of the natural world was satanic or pagan, and that all that the dominant culture considered beautiful, good, or right, lay outside the access to one with mixed or indigenous heritage.  Over the years, listeneng to  those who have told me of their own experiences as adopted out indigenous children, or  of the experiences of grandparents, parents, and other relatives. The familiar experiences of abuse, forced religious conversion, verbal and physical abuse, and most often, the complete denial of the person's authentic heritage and identity.  This experience is in no way limited to indigenous or mixed indigenous people. For me, this is how I entered the journey to discover the secrets, the shame, the mysteries, and the dead ends to discovering the truth about my own family history.  This story is common among many who have been taken from their families, or who have been cut off from their cultural heritage.  

Why am I writing about it today? Because the wounded spirit of one who seeks to connect with and discover who they are,to discover their life purpose and to answer the call of their soul, requires that we go deeper into knowing who we are. Sometimes that journey is focused externally; other times it arises from within. For years this has been a singular journey that helps me not only find myself, but also to make the connection with all humans who carry the stories, traditions, experiences, conflicts, challenges, and questions with them from one generation to the next.  Currently, I am using my photography and narrative and storytelling skills in creating a project of giving voice and vision to some of what life is like for many of us who live along the rivers of the Pacific Northwest. Not only looking to the past to bring the stories to life but also to connect to those living now as a link between past, present and future generations. 

What ways do we seek to discover our identity? This changes at each stage of life. Identity is revealed wherever we are in whatever we are doing. We learn through our dreams. We learn thorugh our spiritual struggles and practices. We learn about ourselves by quieting ourselves long enough to 'be' present of mindful of that inner truth and essence that we recognize as 'myself'.  We also recognize ourselves through the aspects of ourselves we may not like so much, or may not have come to accept or tolerate very well. We often recognize in others, what we cannot see in ourselves, and this presents us with the opportunity to explore through relationship, those unanswered questions, those unexplored areas of ourselves. We have a treasure chest full of gifts, opportunities, and abilities to discover our authentic selves. Dreams, intuition, relationships, desires and dreams, visions and imagination, intellect and drive, and time. Yes, if you are breathing today, you have time. If you need a map, find a model that works for you, a help but not a concrete weight to tie you down. We all have time to appreciate the gift of life, to use it for some purpose that lifts us and others up, and to live with grace and gratitude that we have been blessed by the Divine with the ability to see the wonders of the Universe--within ourselves and our personal journey, and in others and theirs.

“The soul-Self doesn't follow the crowd. It encourages you to speak up when you need to and live by your truth.”  Debra Moffitt, Garden of Bliss:Cultivating the Inner Landscape for Self-Discovery.

Join me and support my project, Ancient River Trails: Voices and Visions of N'chiawana, the Columbia River.

Exciting Launch of Kickstarter Campaign!

This morning, I pushed the magic button, launching the Kickstarter campaign I've been working on for what seems like, years.  I started to do this a few years ago, but it didn't feel like the right time, so I waited. Concentrating on my writing, photography, and just the process of gathering stories, narraitves, research, and living along the rivers.  For years I have immersed myself in this project. It started when I was working on my doctoral dissertation, and I wrote a huge chapter on the history of the indigenous and mixed indigenous peoples of the Pacific Northwest. The chapter was way too long for the purposes of the dissertation, but in that work were the seeds of this project, Ancient River Trails: Voices and Visions of N'chiawana, the Columbia River and Her Tributaries.   

As you probably know, when you're in the middle of a major project of any kind, it's so very important to take breaks, set the work aside, and move our bodies and focus from the work at hand. For me, that has always been to head to the nearest body of water, the place where the water runs, ebbs and flows, and where the sky, land, and waters meet.  Another passion of mine is going back, behind the last known fact or statement, to discover what came before, what was said or done before, and to find the patterns that remain the same in our lives and the ones that seem to have disappeared. The stories of my family were incomplete. There were pieces I knew and large chunks that were mysteries. Some still remain so.  In a naive effort to find my Grandmother's burial site, I found myself tramping through muddy pioneer cemeteries up and down the Columbia and the Willamette Rivers. As I became more aware of tribal and cultural practices of clans and tribes along the coast and rivers, I realized the story of my grandmother lay elsewhere.

While gathering narratives for both my graduate projects (thesis on immigrants and refugees and dissertaion on mixed indigenous peoples in the PNW), I discovered the truth that all of us come from somewhere else, and our roots are spread out through multiple layers of narrative histories, events, shifts in consciousness, and perceptions...our stories change as we tell them, and our stories take on new meaning as we live and continue creating new visions of what has been and who we are. This book that I've been working on began as an attempt to find out about my own inidgenous heritage, but has become something much more. Ancient River Trails: Voices and Visions of N'chiawana, the Columbia River and Her Tributaries, is chronicle of some of the stories that are told of those who lived along these rivers before, of those who live and work these rivers now. It is a living, moving piece of the much longer story of thousands of years of life along our waterways, and how, at this point in time we are seeking to preserve the cultures, languages, stories, and life of the past with the way we are living along, working with, taking care of, and preserving the river and life along the rivers.

I invite all of you to take a look at the video I made to launch my Kickstarter campaign. This campaign is to help me raise awareness and funds needed for completing the book and short film I'm making on the rivers. This winter and spring I will be traveling up the rivers past The Dalles to explore the rivers further east and north. I want to photograph the Snake and Yakama Rivers as they meet the Columbia, and explore more of the smaller tributaries and the lands around the rivers. My desire is to continue meeting people, learning more about the past and the present of life on the rivers, and to preserve some the beauty and some of the cultural narraitives, lore, stories, and language through this book and film. I also wish to encourage others to look beyond what appears to be, to discover the hidden, sometimes forgotten, sacred narrative of life...narratives that deserve to be remembered and honored.

Thank you for supporting me was I continue this leg of the journey, and I welcome your ideas and whatever support you can give me through the Kickstarter campaign.  Keep following the journey, and I will be sharing more as we move into the colder, rainier seasons along the rivers.  Today the fog lays heavy over the river, and the sun that woke us up today, has disappeared behind the dense fog bank. The Wallapa Mountains to the north, appear as only a vague, dark outline against the sky, the ships anchored in the river channel sit like silent giants, their orange line on the ships' hulls, the only color to be seen.  Living by the river is one of the greatest gifts a writer and photographer could ever wish for. This beautiful river, N'chiawana, the Columbia, is life to me, and sharing some of her beauty and stories is my passion. I need your support, and welcome you to share your questions and your interests about the rivers. Think about that which you are passionate about, and step out in some way, no matter how small, towards allowing that passion to grow.  Sometimes we think we are waiting, when in fact we are growing into our passions, and readying ourselves for the next leg of the journey. Letting life unfold, in perfect order and time, allows us to live fully in the truth of the present.  How fortunate we are. 

Rainy Day Pier                                                                                                                                                  Catherine Al-Meten

To view my Kickstarter video and support my project, Ancient River Trails: Voices and Visions of N'chiawana, the Columbia River and Her Tributaries, visit my website or my Kickstarter site.