Stopping Points

In Flight                                                       Catherine Al-Meten

Author, Annie Dillard, wrote,"a schedule defends from chaos and whim.  A net for catching days."  Sometimes it seems that time has just flown by. When I am  envisioning something, say some day wanting  to write a book,  or just getting started doing an interesting piece of research, or setting goals to fill in some requisite statement of purpose or artist's statement, I somehow never imagine the kind of life  I  end up living. After so many years mastering my craft as an educator, and immersing myself in studies, research, and journeys down intriguing and interesting paths through ancient paths of ideas, cultures, and spiritual traditions, I found myself at a stopping point.

I say stopping point rather than turning point, because it seemed at the time, that no matter what steps I thought I should take, something else led me in a different direction. One of my good friends said to me years ago that wherever I went, I usually went thinking I was there for one reason, but once I arrived, found the Divine synchronicity of my life was leading me in an entirely different direction. I arrived at the stopping point after making a decision that changed the way I would spend my time and life.

The decision I made about eight years ago was to leave my career as an educator to start my own businesses. Since then,  I have been focusing my time, resources, and energy on being a full time  freelance writer, a photographer, and a spiritual counselor.   After moving  back to the Pacific Coast from the East Coast, and I  established myself in a little apartment up on the hill on Clay Street in Monterey. I  volunteered at the Monterey Public Library, and began meeting really nice people. On my 61st birthday, I found myself spending my birthday alone for the first time in years.  Birthdays are important marking points for me. Celebrating life, taking stock of what has come and gone, and settling into a new vision of the future. On that particular day, I drove down the coast to Big Sur, and treated myself to lunch on the veranda of Nepenthe. Later I wandered around the Phoenix Gift Shop. I walked downstairs to look at the beautiful clothes, and struck up a conversation with a woman who was working there.

We began talking about writing and photography, and about both having lived in Portland, Oregon, and we also began talking about pursuing our dreams.  This person, Toni,  and I became good friends, and spent quite a bit of time talking about and trying to help support one another's work. I worked the Open Studio tours in Monterey with her, and learned about how the art scene operates. It was interesting, fascinating, and so enlightening to me.  

Toni and I were both running our own businesses, and she told me about the Small Business Administration's mentor program.  I knew I needed some guidance and information as I didn't consider myself a business woman.I knew my field, and I was a good organizer and leader, but working for myself was something very new. During the  mentoring experience,  I sat with Robert Kramer an entrepreneur who runs his own CEO consulting firm. Robert was a good listener, and a very savvy businessman and strategist.  A former West Pointer, the retired Army man knew how to help those he worked with raise their expectations, formulate a dream, and then set out to achieve those dreams.

What I envisioned when I was working with Robert, is what I have done. How I am living now, is the result of  what I set into motion at his instigation. He pushed, he saw where I needed tools to decipher the process I was headed for. 

As we often feel when we are either at the beginning of a new path or at the end of it, we could never imagine what lay ahead. Throughout my life I have depended on a couple of pieces of Truth.

One, nothing is ever lost in the Universe. You may think you are lost, but with some perspective (time, distance, and a little wisdom, and more time), you will begin to see your way through the darkness or along a path that seemed to be leading you nowhere.

Two, everything matters and everything is connected. And we cannot always see every aspect of the plan, the destiny or fate-whatever you wish to call it.  Some call it the future, others call it certainty. That has never worked for me. I have come to expect the unexpected, and to just keep showing up, doing the work, and trusting.

Three, Trust is number three. What is true for me is I have to trust. I have to trust myself. I have to trust a Divine, intervening and guiding Principle, and I have to trust the process and the source of all creative acts.

A thousand tiny sparks have been lit along the way, lighting the path, one glimmer at a time. Now I turn around and realize there is more that I have created than I can keep track of. This surprises me, for I like many writers and artists, never think I have done enough, have enough time, or have gotten as far with a project or idea as I think I should.  And yet, every day I keep showing up, picking up pen, or laying my fingers on this keyboard, and pretty soon, in hidden files, on scraps of paper, and on book covers and journals, I pick the fruits of my labor and see I have bushels of creations.

This evening, I was cleaning up the files on my computer. In the process, I found a poem here, and another there. I opened a manuscript I had begun, oh I don't even know how long ago. I started going through the document, and realized I had a book of poetry already.  Because I do more than one thing at a time, I sometimes go long periods of time between working on some projects. With poetry, I do not write it every day. I write primarily when I'm inspired.

That happens often enough, but I just keep adding one after another, until now I have another book. It is as if the book just kind of floated down from the ceiling and landed in my lap, saying something like, "Oh you have a little editing to do, and you might want to add a photograph here and another there, but you've got yourself enough material for the new book."  I wasn't even thinking about another poetry book, certainly not tonight, but that's what I found.  

At this point, I am so immersed in Life that I can hardly keep track of all that is happening. I'm getting some things accomplished with relative ease and speed, while other things take longer and seem to be outside the realm of possibility sometimes. Because I love to understand the why and how of everything, including myself, I wonder if I'll get to the point when I'll be able to process everything that has already happened in life?  This will most likely happen when I'm in a conversation with someone I love or someone who understands how exciting and captivating life can be.  

For now, I use meditation, prayer,  and my yoga practice to keep me connected and grounded. Maintaining spiritual practices eases some of the pressure I put on myself to do each piece of writing well, and to give my very best in every situation.  I realize I'm not that important that anyone is noticing whether or not I'm 'doing it right'; that pressure is on me, by me, and of me.  I love writing. I love doing photography, and I really enjoy the time I spend with my clients and students.  The practices of presence and patience have allowed me to live more mindfully--more in the present of each moment. And feeling really connected to that Spirit which moves within me and connects me to everyone else, everything else, and whatever Divine Cosmic energy there is that shapes and holds us in motion. 

This blog is about writing and the writer's life. I stop in here periodically, to share my thoughts about the writing process, or my life as a writer...whatever seems connected to my ideas that might reach the heart, mind, or soul of someone else.  Each one of us is different from one another. Our personalities and all the elements that shape who we are and what our lives are all about, give us each a unique perspective. What we do with our gifts, experiences, disappointments, desires, and needs, is a dynamic and very unpredictable variable.

What I want to share tonight is this.   Do you ever wonder, "Is anything happening to make my life more fulfilling?", "Have I produced or created anything of value?"  Some say philosophically, "You won't care what you accomplished at the end of your life. You'll only care who you loved." Well if you are a writer, or any other kind of artist, you know that is not completely true.  I write because I have to write. I have a pen in my hand nearly all the time. My writing and photography are influenced by many things, including who I love or what I have passion for. However, they are also something else beyond that.  We write to give voice to that passion. We photograph to capture the "here and now" for someone who is not present.  We carry our art around in our hearts, our heads, our memories, and from home to home.  For me, the two go together in many cases, feeding one creative moment into another into another.   

Pull out some of your favorite creations, projects, or ideas. Put them in some kind of solid form (writing, music, art, sculpture, carpentry, photograpy). Then allow yourself some time to absorb what you have created.  Tonight I put some pieces together, and began wrapping them up in one shape to send out into the world.  That's what writing and then putting together a book is all about.  It's a beautiful experience, but for me, it is not a linear process. There are linear moments in the process, but the path is windey and full of uncertainties, choices, and releasing. Tonight's Full Moon in Scorpio and Sun in Taurus are pulling us in different directions, yet allowing us to experience much greater wholeness than we migh normally. As water and earth come together, we shape our lives based on the physical, concrete, mundane, and daily-life expectations, and we do so with great inner awareness, acceptance, and love. Full Moons are about completions, fulfillment, and receiving what is meant for us. 

As a way to honor this energy tonight, I turn my mind and heart to pure acceptance of myself as well as others. No one let's things be...it is not in our power to grant permission for others to live or not. If we are observant and wise, we will notice what it is in our lives that needs to be released, in the sense of notice it's gone, it's over, or it's clear, and go on with new knowledge and understanding. I can do that sometimes. Other times it may take me a while longer. Tonight I surrender my will to that of God, and trust that I will know when I need to know. What I can do and be certain is necessary is to take good care of myself. Get enough rest, exercise, nourishing food, and live a relatively satisfying and secure life. 

I feel fortunate to live in a small town where there is more life than I experienced in some cities.  I know this is a reflection of how I have seen the world, however, it is a very nice place because of the way people treat one another, for the most part. There being fewer people here, makes it easier to know people at a deeper level. Because there are many artists, writers, and spiritual teachers here, most people understand how important it is that we allow one another time, privacy, and a bit of distance in order to do what we need to do.  This is a particularly juicy time of life, and tonight while it's still hot and muggy, I am simply satisfied to be at the end of the day.  Wondering about what's ahead or what could have been, have no place in my home tonight. The breeze is blowing in the open window, and the night birds ar making noises out on the river. The moon's trailing over the tree tops, and the night is beautiful and alive.