Just a Little Respect

Dancer at Dusk                                                   Catherine Al-Meten


Aretha Franklin singing Respect, 1968

Writers are inspired, influenced, and moved to write in any number of ways on any number of topics. I'm staying at my friend's home in the forests right off the White Salmon River in Washington. Taking care of their animals and home while they are away on a much-needed vacation, I am having my own version of a writer's retreat. Even though I live by myself, at home I live in community, and so find this time away soothing to my soul, relaxing (taking naps every day), and refreshing.

I was greeted by four cats and a lovely old dog named Cupid (also a few fish; the yellow one is the only one that talks to me and all she seems to want is more food). On the dining room table was a small vase of wild flowers and two blue envelopes addressed to me. One was from my friend, telling me where to find the nicest hikes and waterfalls. The other letter was from Naomi, my friend's oldest daughter. Naomi had written me a long letter complete with detailed maps, about how to take care of the animals, where to find the neighbors, and how to find my way around the house. I treasure these letters, and as my stay has gone on, I have noticed more inspiring things around the house.

If you have ever taken care of someone else's home, you may understand my reluctance to look too closely at anything that might be personal.  You walk a fine line when living in someone else's space between appreciating someone's home and being snoopy or invasive.  It took me nearly a week to begin reading some of the writing on the walls. Yes, in this home, the members of the family post their feelings in plain sight. It is lovely.  At the kitchen window is a reminder from Mother Theresa to be kind to one another.  A small piece of printed paper framed on rice paper and construction paper reads: Love grows best in small house like this where there are fewer rooms and walls between us where we can't help but communicate with one another. Just think how much we'd miss if we had a larger home."

And then there's the lovely stylistic painting that looked to me like a four or five wild flowers . I was drawn to the painting as it reminded me of the brush strokes on a Chinese watercolor. I knew Naomi's parents had lived in China and my friend learned to paint in a particular style. As I looked closer, I noticed to the left, a cluster of hearts drawn around the word Compassion. Below compassion was Be Kind, and below that, the word Respect.  This essay was inspired by what reading the word respect invoked in me this morning as I stood at the kitchen sink preparing my morning tea and looking out into the garden and beyond into the forest.

The simple design and the word respect evoked a flood of memories. While spending time here in the forest home, I have been reading one of Natalie Goldman's books, and have been doing the exercise writers have learned, using the phrase, "I remember..." as a writing prompt.  Usually, I have no problem  finding subjects to write about, but what I wanted to do was tap into that part of me that created from a deeper level than intellect, need, or directed focus.  I have found using the  "I remember..." prompt to be very enjoyable and useful for unlocking past memories and allowing those memories to rise up and flow out.  So here goes.

I remember when I was teaching a spiritual direction class at Marylhurst University years ago. It was an intensive weekend course, run for three days over the course of two long weekends. My partner teachers and I shared the joy of planning and conducting the class, and we each had different styles of both teaching and spirituality.  We blended together, for the most part. What I recalled this morning was one of the instructors, a woman a bit older than I (I was in my mid-50s at the time) reprimanding me for using the word respect while I was leading the class discussion. She was quite passionate i with her disgust that I would use such a a term when describing how to be in the presence of another during spiritual direction, or for that matter, at any time.  I had been presenting the idea that when we sit with another person we need to respect the person and the gifts, experiences,  background , and traditions they bring into the experience.  My point being, that too often counseling and therapy have been set up as a hierarchical relationship of "the One who Knows and the One who Needs Help".  This may be true for some, but in spiritual direction and counseling with people from cultures and traditions outside our own knowledge or experience, this tactic seldom works.  Traditional cultures honor and respect the healer well as the one who is seeking healing. Each has the gifts and knowledge within to discover the source of their own healing. Among the 35 or more people in the class, a number of us were indigenous/native people. When we sit with another person, we need to respect the person and the gifts they possess within. To honor and respect another person is a key aspect of many cultures, and I had been sharing ideas that pertained to how different cultural differences need to be taken into account. One size does not fit all.

How we respond to and work with those whose cultures, traditions, and beliefs vary from our own requires understanding and requires respect for the differences, similarities, and mutual relationship being established, healed, and maintained. My fellow instructor also came into the room with a set of experiences, background, traditions, and perspective that colored her own experiences. She came into adulthood at the time in the U.S. culture when rebelling against the established mores of society was growing in response to some rather narrow, dominant cultural values that had evidently been stultifying for her. Her response was to reject the values she had felt imposed upon her when she was younger, and as a result, she released her anger at me.  I understood she had, as an artist, been chanting the mantra of "Never trust anyone over 30," for 40 years or so, but I was struck, as if I had been slapped across the face, by her vehement anger and reaction toward my using the word Respect.  Kind of ironic, don't you think? As she went on, she also said that respect was a worn out construct that no no relevance or place in our vocabulary let alone our spiritual practices.

This morning, as I stood in the kitchen, thoughts of this past encounter playing out before me, I thought of how her and her anger. I also recall, how immediately after this encounter, we went outside and she led us in a dance using string, to show us how to feel more connected to one another. There seems something so innocuous about this entire experience now, but at the time, I found it perplexing that one could not see the connection that came out of their own behavior was far more realistic than attempting to create connection through art.  Now I understand that when we act out of our shadows, we do so often with the full intellectual knowledge of what is good, or authentic, right or wrong, yet still unable to see how we have not truly internalized that knowledge at all.  We know what makes for good communication; but we don't always know how to do it. We know what makes for healthy relationships; but we often settle for less, or live with the illusion we can fix, change, or wait things out. We know that some words, memories, ideas, or acts trigger our inner demons; but we nevertheless react, strike out, or hurt others with our unhealed wounds.

Did this woman understand how her disrespect wounded me? Probably not at the time. Respect is not, as she may have felt, an act of subservience or a false front put on to cover hurt, shame, or dislike. Respect is allowing for differences, and indeed, simply recognizing that we do not all think alike, experience life in the same ways, or understand how others view life. We do not each view ourselves or others in the same way. Our beliefs, perspectives, and backgrounds are a complex conglomeration (in the words of Fancy Nancy, conglomeration is a fancy word for mess or chaos) of historical and cultural realities, unconscious influences, and personal and collective drama, trauma, and idiosyncratic aspects of personality.  Respect is one of the only roads we have to experience ourselves as compassionate beings. We have no hope of ever truly understanding all there is to know about anyone, including ourselves. By being more respectful though, we can experience greater compassion. We can be kind to one another, to the animals, and to the land we are helping take care of.

Rather than dismissing, discouraging the use of, or disparaging one another for acting according to values like respect that we hold dear, we might learn from young children who as they learn who they are become aware of actions being connected to feeling and thought.  Respect coupled with kindness leads to compassion--a kind of love that goes beyond all boundaries, histories, cultures, and beliefs.

When I think of respect now, I see how it appears as compassion in people I know like my neighbor Donna. Donna is a a hardworking, intensely competent woman who is also a nurse. She treats everyone with respect. I watch how she treats some of the people around the neighborhood who send me looking for shelter. She treats everyone with respect. that is a very difficult thing to do, for it requires that each person be given full attention and respect. Another person who goes out of her way to listen for that one true thing a person brings with them, that one thing that makes them lovable, and I see Peggy respecting each person enough to give them something to help build them up as a person, not tear them down. She shows this same respect to animals, to the land, and to all she meets. So does her husband, and between the two, they open their hearts, their lives, and their gifts to all those they meet, without having to tear anyone down in the process.  Truly gifts of the Giver they are.

Most of the people in my life, especially those I call friends, and those in family are all so different from one another and from me. In some cases, all we have in common is one another.  What allows love to grow in each relationships, however, is the respect we have for one another and for the way each person honors and respects one another. I feel very fortunate to walk with the people who are on my path, who are headed in the opposite direction, or who are sitting at the wayside, wondering, "What's next?"

This morning as I sit propped up against the window sill--my makeshift desk against my bended knees, I record in my spiral notebooks, reflections of today, memories of the past, and some dreams for the future.  I feel a welling up of gratitude from within as I feel my life is full of people, family, friends, strangers, and neighbors who demonstrate daily the value of respecting one another. They teach me about being kinder, more compassionate, and more respectful of one another. Christ Jesus was asked once, what he thought the greatest law--commandment (promise of covenant in community) was. He replied, to love God and then to love one another as you love yourself. In the ancient covenant promises of the ancient traditions, love of the Divine was shown through kindness, respect, and love for one another. Part of the covenant is loving ourselves by respecting our personal needs, desires, and growing edges. We not only need time alone to regenerate and heal, but also time to connect with those we love, to respect and show kindness and understanding when they need it most. Loving one another and respecting one another is what speaks to my heart today, and for this I am truly grateful and inspired.