Filling in the Silence

Friend and fellow writer, Cornelia Seigeur recently wrote an article reflecting on the mixed messages she found when attending a religious conference.  As I read her article, I thought of how often we toss out simple platitudes in our attempt to soothe, comfort, or express our comprehension for someone else’s pain, sorrow, or sadness.  In our efforts to express our comprehension of complex and difficult situations, we resort to simple, gratuitous expressions that often do more harm than good. At the conference, Cornelia mentioned two statements urging conference attendees to both “love yourself first,” while at the same time encouraging attendees to “give your all to others.”

Each statement has a kernel of truth to it. The problem with simple platitudes is they fail to take into account the wide range of experiences, needs, and human responses to them.  Our lives are full of challenges, complexities, and situations that call for something more than the black and white, absolutist thinking that treats life like a forced-choice test. You know the kind of frustrating forced response quiz given to determine preferences. Only life is not an either/or proposition in most cases.  Decisions and choices we make are affected by many factors. And most of our major choices require a certain amount of discernment and critical thinking.

Using the two expressions Cornelia refers to in her article, let’s look at the merit of each.  To love ourselves, meaning to acknowledge that we must take care of ourselves (body, mind, spirit, emotions) in order to fully participate in relationships, in order to develop as a human being, and in order to accept the whole of who we are.  For example, if I abuse my health through improper diet, lack of exercise, or addictive behaviors, my physical health and quality of life suffers. If I fail to take care of myself because I put my obligations to others first all the time, I will not have the energy, health, or time to develop independently. 

Giving to others requires that there is a “me,” a source of being, knowledge, and health from which to give.  None of us can afford to love only ourselves to the exclusion of all others any more than we can give up everyting that helps define who we are in order to be present to others. 

We humans require balance, and we live a kind of perfectly imperfect life of synthesis and interrelatedness. We live in the constant interplay of seeking harmony between the changes, choices, growth, transitions, and different needs of various stages of life...both our own lives and the lives of our relationships with our families, our friend, our work, and whatever other relationships define and fill our lives.

Life is full of change--it is dynamic and it is complex. What is, or seems to be easy for one person, may not be for another. We learn what we are capable of as we live, grow, change, develop, and become the person we are, at any stage in life. Despite our best laid plans, our spiritual and ethical guidelines, and our hopes, prayers, dreams and wishes, life is full of surprising twists and turns.

Life is also full of crucial moments when platitudes can do more harm than good. In moments when some of us think we must say something, we often pull out a platitude to fill in the silence of during an awkward moment or a jarring, traumatic time.  How often have you heard death bed platitudes pulled out to comfort a grieving friend or relative? “He’s in a better place, “ “She’s no longer suffering,” or even, “She lived a good, long life. It was her time.”  Comments like these meant to show compassion, but more often than not, dismissing or neutralizing genuine grief, loss, and sorrow, are anything but comforting.

We pull out platitudes for all kinds of occasions, and maybe it would be good to consider having a little more respect for others. Maybe we could show a little more compassion for someone else’s grief, by maintaining a respectful silence when we’re tempted to fill in  that silence with a platitude that quite frankly doesn’t begin to describe the reality of someone’s experience. We might think of how we can be of greater comfort and more help by stop trying to think we have to say something.  By taking just a little more time, a little more thought for the person and their loss or situation, we might be guided to express some genuine expression that touches on their loss, sorrow, challenge, or sadness. 

In the circle of life, we each are called upon to care for ourselves so that we can be present for and care for others, serve our communities, and accomplish what we were born to do.  We are also called upon to live with an appreciation for genuine and honest expressions from those people who fill our lives.  It behooves us all to live with an awareness of the power of the silence and reflection in moments when we might be tempted to pull out a platitude to fill in an awkward silence.  Silence offers the golden opportunity for us to reflect and connect to those we wish to comfort in ways that actually fill their needs.  Platitudes are bandied about because of the kernel of truth they may hold. They are not, however, a substitute for a thoughtful reflective  genuine expression of compassion that comes simply asking how we can support and not further injure someone who is suffering.

There seems to be a tendency for us humans to want simple, pithy solutions and expressions to sum up some very complex and difficult issues and problems.  I can't help but think that if we threw out some of the simplicity and pith, and instead spent some time thoughtfully considering how we could best meet another person's needs in times of difficulty, we might find ourselves living a more authentic, compassionate, and tolerant life with an awareness that no slogan, platitude or truism fits or works for every occasion or every person.  What are some of your experiences with platitudes and simple slogans? Have you been on the receiving end of a well-meant but totally off base expression of sorrow?